He’s been single for 14 years. If he hadn’t told me, I never would have guessed. He’s a perfectly acceptable prospect in every way. In point of fact, he is unusually charming, and that’s part of his problem. He thinks he’s going to meet Miss Right in some extraordinary way. As an older married woman, I am certain he won’t be alone forever. There’s a woman out there for him. They’ve probably already met.
The guy I have in mind here is an extrovert. Beyond that, he’s one of the major neighborhood gossip hubs. There are a lot of people like him who serve as nodes in their social network. They know everyone and their grandma’s neighbor’s dog walker. Due to their fascination with people, they remember details. Who knows whom? Whose kids and cats are whose? Who works where, what do they do, do they like it or are they thinking of changing jobs? This particular guy knows everyone in our apartment complex and who lives in which unit. Also, everyone knows him. In a dating context, that’s important. This guy could absolutely get introduced to eligible women and have people vouch for him. Most people meet by word of mouth, being introduced through mutual acquaintances. That’s true on the job as well as in a romantic context. This is how we know that people are who they say they are. We know that people work and lives in certain places, and we might also know other people in their families. Vouching for someone means you have a good sense that this person is probably not a petty criminal or psychopath. Good to know! I don’t know this man’s last name or where he went to school, but I can vouch for his personal hygiene, sense of humor, and lack of scary or creepy tendencies. If he’s ever done anything seriously objectionable, then it wasn’t around me and nobody was concerned enough to tell me about it. That’s actually a pretty big deal. People don’t always go around promoting the positive qualities of their acquaintances and colleagues, but the negative news spreads like wildfire. That’s partly because of the gossip hubs on the social network such as my friend. There are different types of social connectors. One is the active networker, trying to play matchmaker for friends, roommates, rehoming pets, or getting internships for people. My husband and I enjoy this quite a bit. Another type of social connector is the “bartender,” the type of person in whom everyone confides their plans, problems, and feelings. Our friend is this type, and that’s why I think he has probably already met at least one woman who would be a great girlfriend for him. If she knows him, she’s talking to him, because everyone who knows him does. If she’s talking to him, then she trusts him and likes his company. If they feel like friends, and they also find each other somewhat attractive, then what’s stopping them? Happily married people see things that way. Why don’t you two go out? It’s that ability to look at people with rose-colored glasses and emphasize their best qualities that leads to a happy marriage in the first place. People who are a little more cynical are going to have to get over that attitudinal hurdle. It’s harder to click with someone who distrusts you, is skeptical about your motives, or isn’t all that enthused by what you’re about. I met my first husband at a party. I met my second husband at work. There wasn’t really a “meet-cute” story in either case. Looking back, how did I meet other boyfriends? At school, at a social gathering, or introduced by mutual friends who thought we’d make a good match. I went on a couple of blind dates that were terrible. I can’t think of a time when I met someone and felt that romantic click that would make a decent scene in a rom-com. No movie moments. (That’s because romantic comedies are very unlike life. In fact I think they are one of the all-time greatest obstacles to real romance, because they give people a completely delusional idea about how people meet and what makes a fun and satisfying relationship). That’s where my friend’s problem comes in! I asked this guy, in one of our long conversations out by the pool, why he thinks he’s single. Is it choice? No. Is he picky? Well, kinda... It’s not that he hasn’t been on any dates, because of course a good-looking, charming, friendly, funny young guy like him will have been on dates. He has very particular expectations of what a date should be like and the kind of lady that he thinks will make an ideal mate. Those expectations, in the opinion of a happily married older lady, are way off base and won’t make him happy in the way that he thinks. The happiest long-term couples have the “best friend” type of marriage. We make each other laugh, we have fun together, and we are good at sharing a living space together. We also tend to share friends. This isn’t just me talking, it’s backed up by research. It’s sociology. I realized my husband was a viable option for me after reading the book Calling in “The One.” I had known him for nearly two years and, according to the book, the kind of friendship I had with him made him a good candidate. I considered him in a way that I hadn’t before, and I realized I wouldn’t rule him out. It was the first time we hugged that I knew it could happen, that I felt a physical chemistry I hadn’t thought to look for. Surprise! This guy who has been single for 14 long and lonely years? He could have been married most of that time. He could be laughing himself sideways with his wife and best friend, maybe even surrounded by cute little kids and a dog at his feet. Instead, he’s waiting for some sort of princess, an elegant and aloof woman who knows how to behave in some strangely ceremonial way, perhaps tangoing through a five-star restaurant with a rose clamped between her teeth? He doesn’t know exactly what he wants, but he’s pretty sure it’s out there and he’ll know it when he sees it. Hmm. I feel for her, the perfect friend and mate of this charming, fun fellow. They probably already know each other. She probably likes him just fine, but it hasn’t occurred to her to ask him out or wonder if he’s into her. That’s because the friendly feeling that works so well for long-term domestic contentment doesn’t usually come across as a romantic tingle. Maybe one night, under a full moon, they’ll bump into one another, and the thought will cross their minds: “I wonder what would happen if...” They’ve probably already met, and that’s why it will feel like they’ve known each other forever. Sleep is mysticism. It’s easy to believe that when you’re so tired that you start to think burrowing a trench in the sand would be a good way to get some rest. Any habit is a complex blend of many factors, not a single one of which will solve a persistent problem on its own. Quality sleep is so valuable that it’s worth focusing on marginal sleep gains.
The ‘aggregation of marginal gains’ is the term for the cumulative effect of small inputs. Let’s take a pizza for example. I’m going to make you a pizza with a frozen crust, canned tomato paste, and a packet of herbs I got at the dollar store. My friend is going to make what he calls “bachelor pizza” with a slice of white bread, ketchup, and a slice of processed cheese. Hopefully he remembers to remove the wrapper. Because you’re a smart person, you’re going to make an excuse to leave and get a pizza with a crust from scratch and fresh ingredients, baked in a proper pizza oven. There is no single factor that differentiates these “pizzas” - they each combine features that make a whole. Even my friend’s bachelor pizza would be marginally improved by using pizza sauce instead of ketchup. What does this have to do with sleep? A word of advice: don’t eat pizza late at night if you’re having sleep problems. Have it for lunch instead. Where are the aggregate gains for sleep going to be found? Some of this depends on the individual. Most of it, I suspect, is universal, and in a couple of decades we’ll have a better understanding deriving from tech, big data, and sleep research. The trouble is that we tend to associate sleep with one specific aspect, our ability to fall asleep in the first place. As an example, I can think of three people off the top of my head who claim they are fine on no more than six hours of sleep. All fall asleep quickly (go figure) and all are great at their jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are also crabby, snarky individuals with short tempers. What they think of as their “personality” is what I’m like after a rough night. Because they share the common Puritan-work-ethic problem of scorning sleep, everyone will just think they’ve mellowed out during retirement rather than correcting a problem that was decades in the making. When we’re looking for marginal sleep gains, we want to be clear about which areas are up for improvement. We also want to broaden our time scale, so that we’re talking about sleep by the week and month, not just individual nights. For myself, I’m looking at sleep gains in: Falling asleep more quickly Sleeping through the night without waking (Or at least waking fewer times) (Or at least not lying awake for 90 minutes each time) Sleeping eight or more hours per night No night terrors I’m also looking at “externalities” that not everyone would think are related to sleep. No migraines Weight maintenance Cheerful mood Other people might be looking at: No snoring No restless leg syndrome No sleepwalking No circles under the eyes Or any other way that sleep loss lowers your quality of life. What I’ve learned from years of quantifying my habits is that the approach that works for one thing may have nothing to do with something else. This is why tracking is so important. Marginal gains may take a month or a year to really notice. For instance, when I finally quit my day job, I slept about 15 hours a day for three days, followed by 12 hours a day for a month. A few months later, I started taking melatonin supplements (careful here!) and hated them because I felt drowsy all day long. I told my husband I was going to quit, and he was shocked. He said I finally had color in my face again. I kept at it. By the end of the year, I had lost 15 pounds (from doing literally NOTHING but sleeping all day and mastering all the crops in FarmVille) and suddenly had the bright idea to take up running. At the time, I found my constant sleep and lethargy to be embarrassing and unpleasant. That wasn’t the reason I quit my job! In retrospect, that year completely changed my life, helping to make me the athlete I am today. For thyroid disease, I found my biggest change came from extremely strenuous activity. For migraine, it was keeping my body weight in a certain specific range. For night terrors, the secret was the timing of when I ate - nothing for three hours before I go to sleep. I suspect one of the major keys for sleep, at least in my case, is hydration - drinking enough water at the right time of day. The secret for me was a change in attitude. I adopted the philosophy that I call Do the Obvious. I assume that there is no reason to deviate from mainstream health advice unless I have tested it on myself in multiple ways. As a scientist I fully commit to designing a proper experiment that can give quality results, and then I analyze my metrics like I really mean it. If I don’t like the answer, then I am choosing my own suffering. The aggregation of marginal gains does not apply only to one area of life, such as sleep or headache management. It all combines into one big thing, which is your experience of daily life. As a young, broke, exhausted person, I know I would have been deeply annoyed with the expectation that I make the kind of changes I made for the quality of life I have now. What, quit drinking soda? Go to bed earlier? Lose twenty pounds? Get out of here! Yet the fact is that that young version of me suffered from four-day migraines and often felt sad and hopeless. Today Me would never return to Young Me’s habits out of fear of Young Me’s cruddy life experience. Today Me has great faith that Future Me will sleep on a peaceful peachy cloud of sweet dreams and aromatherapy. This is hard as Today Me has to listen to Today Upstairs Neighbor clomping up and down the stairs at 5:00 AM. Here are some of the factors that have gone into the marginal sleep gains I have made so far: An air filter/white noise generator (or you can try a phone app and/or a fan) Cracking the window at night A $25 pillow I discovered at a hotel A $9 eye mask Drinking all my water for the day before 8:00 PM Not eating for at least three hours before sleepy time Putting my phone in Do Not Disturb mode from 10 PM to 10 AM (and now that I think about it, I should change that to 8 PM) My husband training our dog to quit whining at 5:30 AM No naps after 3 PM under any circumstances Wearing a sleep tracker at night (Fitbit Flex 2) and checking metrics daily Worth noting: I never drink coffee or alcohol. |
AuthorI've been working with chronic disorganization, squalor, and hoarding for over 20 years. I'm also a marathon runner who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and thyroid disease 17 years ago. This website uses marketing and tracking technologies. Opting out of this will opt you out of all cookies, except for those needed to run the website. Note that some products may not work as well without tracking cookies. Opt Out of CookiesArchives
January 2022
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