If you think personal finance is boring, and therefore don’t know much about it, Ramit Sethi is your guy. He’s hilarious, though totally not PC, and he knows his stuff. I Will Teach You to be Rich is the kind of book that is still constantly being recommended and mentioned by, like, everyone in the Universe, even though it was published in 2009. If I meet him, I’m definitely going to ask him to put on a Speedo and feed me peeled grapes while we talk about finance. He’d probably do it, too, because that’s his type of humor. Maybe we could get other luminaries of personal finance to join us in a hot tub, like Suze Orman and Dave Ramsey. When audience members would tell us about their poor spending choices, we could pelt them with the grapes. Anyway. I have no claims to fame, but if I did, one of them would be that I broke even in the crash of 2008. I would say that everything in I Will Teach You to be Rich is consistent with what I did to achieve that. I had to read every single personal finance book in the public library, though, and you can skip all that simply by reading this one volume. I presumed that Sethi’s book would be about marketing and business development, and that made me skeptical. Instead, it’s about managing the money you have once you get it. There are a lot of counterintuitive, contrarian elements about this book that I really like. For instance, the advice that home ownership isn’t for everyone tends to make people start going “But but but” like a little outboard motor. What I liked best about the book, besides the fact that it made me laugh until I snorted, was that it’s loaded with insights I had never seen in a personal finance book before. Most importantly, Sethi opens by talking about how people prefer to debate minutiae rather than take action. We get caught up in analysis paralysis. He goes on to suggest ways to open discussions about debt with your parents and with anyone you’re thinking about dating. That is SUCH a good idea. If I had had the conversation I had with my second husband, with my first husband, then my second husband would have been my first husband, if you get what I’m saying. The gist of I Will Teach You to be Rich is to spend several hours apiece doing a bit of research, making some major decisions, and then setting up a simple system. It works. It works in the same way that physical fitness, housework, and interpersonal boundaries do. You figure out what you want, talk it out with anyone who needs to be involved, execute, and then get on with things. This book is so approachable and funny that you barely notice how much you’re learning. If you want to empower yourself and you’re not sure where to start, start with the money. Screw New Year’s Resolutions. We are all perfect just as we are. Why change? Why change a thing? Let entropy do the work. Let’s make next year just like last year! By this time next year, I am going to: Be further in debt Have less money in savings Lose at least one more friend via social media Hold a grudge Take more things personally Gain weight Add body fat Lose muscle mass Lose cardio endurance Lose flexibility Have more clutter Procrastinate more Leave more projects incomplete Keep paying on my storage unit Spend more total hours watching TV and movies Spend more total hours playing games Generally stare at a screen as often as possible Forget old skills, like playing an instrument or speaking a foreign language Spend more time consuming than creating Sleep-procrastinate and be as tired as possible every day Replace any passion in my life with food Convince myself that New Year’s Resolutions are for suckers Try to be more cynical I have all the motivation and willpower I need to do everything on my list! On the 55th day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: 55 yesterday’s Halloween candies 54 lights a twinkling 53 carols tinkling 52 cards a mailing 51 commercials 50 texting drivers 49 pumpkin lattes 48 cookies baking Now begins Diwali Prosperity and triumph Of goodness over evil It gives props to marriage And the bond of siblings 42 boycotting Christians Duped by profiteers And manufactured outrage 39 days until Christmas Which suddenly lasts two months Why not 'til Valentine’s Day? Buy more gems and candy Ecumenicism! Ching ching ching ca-ching Register bells are ringing 300,000 Veterans are homeless Now it’s Thanksgiving Boycott Black Friday If you’re for “family values” Shopping isn’t worship It’s still November Now it’s December It's not Christmastime yet That's the 25th Through Epiphany That's not persecution Hanukkah starts the 6th A minor festival Of spiritual over material More commercialized than Yom Kippur The holiest day in Judaism But that's in September Jews don’t proselytize For which they deserve credit Not a pseudo-Christmas 11 Tweeters Tweeting 10 horns a beeping 9 crazies ranting 8 brands a bilking 7 brawls a brimming 6 speakers playing 5 useless things 4 galling words 3 French fries 2 Starbucks cups And a pointless controversy. Happy Holidays and Season's Greetings, which traditionally were festive expressions that referred to the upcoming New Year, and which are effective ways to respect many cultural attempts at getting through wintry weather, at least in the Northern Hemisphere. Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All. Now let's get back to Fall. Hating cooking is a vital part of one’s identity. It is important always to make sure one broadcasts one’s hates, irritations, and pet peeves. It’s a quick way to bond with others and surround oneself with others who hate the same things. This is likely to have more immediate results, in the form of increased social connections, than learning to cook, which would be yucky, boring, and messy. It is known. Hate to cook. This is the best way to limit the quality of one’s meals. Relying completely on others to prepare meals is a way to learn the boundaries of disappointment and unsustainably high expectations. Nobody else will ever be able to cook perfectly to one’s particular tastes – except oneself, and that ain’t happening – so each meal is a fresh chance to confront reality and develop stoicism. Perhaps it may also provide an opportunity to show one’s natural analytical faculties or leadership skills by critiquing others’ cooking until they get it right. They should appreciate this service and see it as a favor. Ready to get started? The first step to hating cooking is to always wait until hungry before deciding to cook something. Then wait at least another 20 minutes, or better, two hours. This will only work in the absence of a meal plan or sensibly stocked kitchen. The only convenience foods should be unhealthy light snacks. There should not be any convenience foods that look like proper meals, whether canned soup or a frozen dinner. Absolutely no leftovers are allowed; heating up leftovers is much too close to cooking for our purposes. Meal planning is imbecilic. What kind of unimaginative cretin would think someone might want to eat meals at the same time intervals, each and every day? How could someone possibly predict when hunger is going to strike? After waiting to be hungry before preparing food, the next step is to treat the kitchen with the contempt it deserves. Anyone can heat a can of soup in the absence of a kitchen, whether with a backpacker’s stove, solar oven, hot plate, or microwave. Hating to cook in a well-equipped kitchen is not for amateurs. Making a modern kitchen impossible to cook in takes at least intermediate abilities. With faith and focus, it can be done. Pile it with dirty dishes. A real pro will be able to fill the kitchen with ALL THE DISHES. This is hard for households that don’t cook, but it is ultimately manageable. Keep the countertops and stovetop sticky. If they are still usable despite dirty dishes and grime, it is a simple matter to blockade the counters with canisters, appliances, cookbooks, decorations, papers, or, if necessary, objects from other rooms. Make sure the microwave is liberally coated with burnt-on, congealed cheese. If there is dish soap, a clean sponge, and a pair of dish gloves available in the kitchen, someone is sabotaging this effort. The kitchen is usually the main arena for household power struggles; trust no one. If there is a dishwasher, it should always have at least one clean dish in it, and no signage, so it can’t be loaded with dishes as they are used. Hating to put away clean dishes is a natural sign that one may have been born to hate cooking. A single person who lives alone will almost certainly hate to cook. It’s challenging to buy ingredients in small enough portions that they don’t spoil. There is nobody with whom to trade cooking or cleaning. There is nobody to impress with the intensity of one’s hatred for cooking. There is nobody to blame or criticize. If one were foolishly to start cooking meals that one actually liked, for oneself, it would set the bar unsustainably high if one ever chose to share a meal with someone else. Fortunately, this circumstance is unlikely. Hating to cook for others is the main subject of our master class. Cooking for one’s mate has the dangerous aura of quid pro quo. It’s as though one is currying favor and expecting reciprocation. How much more honest to start out with low expectations and keep them there. Otherwise, one’s mate may take an interest and start cooking, too, and that just opens doors to changing the power dynamics around cleaning, finances, and other areas that may currently be stuck in a comfortable détente. Laissez faire. As long as nobody spends too much time in the kitchen, all is not lost. Cooking for children or roommates? Pfft. One doesn’t even need to hate cooking to know that these are terrible ideas, right from the get-go. Next, some wag in the back row is going to suggest cooking for guests, holding dinner parties or potlucks, or hosting a holiday gathering. As though this could serve as some sort of interesting hobby or love offering! Moving right along. If one is determined to hate cooking, one must never look at new recipes or food photography, browse cookbooks, or watch cooking shows. The inevitable result of this is that one will meet people who… *cough*… love cooking. The moment one meets a passionate foodie who loves cooking, one is in mortal danger. Only minutes will elapse before recipes are exchanged. After that, the floodgates are opened. It is harder to avoid recipes on the Internet than it is to avoid pornography; they are closely related, after all, and some poor victims even refer to food porn. Both are available by phone, computer, book, magazine, or at specialized bookstores. Use filters and stay strong. Summing up, it is easy to hate cooking, as long as one perseveres. Keep the kitchen cluttered and greasy. Don’t have a meal schedule, meal plan, or grocery list. Don’t go to the store on a predictable basis. Don’t try new things, whether new products, new recipes, new cookbooks, or new restaurants. By all means, stay away from books or articles about physiology, nutrition, or dietetics. Restrict the palate. Have the highest of expectations for others to cook perfect meals that are delicious and perfectly nutritionally balanced, while always meeting the most exacting individual standards. Refuse half-measures or transitional techniques such as adding fresh produce to packaged meals. INSTANT PERFECTION OR NOTHING! Graduates of the Hate to Cook course may wish to continue their education. The next class in this series is called Stay Sedentary and Develop Chronic Health Problems. Maintaining a low energy level, chronic pain, fatigue, poor posture, erratic sleep habits, dehydration, headaches, susceptibility to swings in mood and blood sugar, mysterious health conditions, and reliance on pharmaceuticals is highly complex. Prerequisites must be met before attempting to enroll in this course. Hating to cook is vital for success in this course. Don’t let a nutrition upgrade happen to you or anyone in your family! I took a hostage and her name is Future Self. I've stolen all her dreams and put them on a shelf. I spend her money and I'm messing up her room. She'll clean up after me until she's in her tomb. I make her do the things that I don't want to do; I make her do my laundry and wash all my dishes, too. She'll never take those classes and she'll never see the world Because I've got her locked away and on the floor she's curled. She'll never see retirement because I rob her blind I spend her every penny on whatever I can find. She'll always hate her body and she'll be in lousy health Because I feed her badly and restrict her moves by stealth. She's my favorite captive and I won't leave her alone. Future Self, I'll chain you up until you are a crone. Revenge on me is something Future Self will never get Because there's nothing left of me but mess and lots of debt. I'll always be her enemy, the worst she's ever had. No one but me would ever try to treat her quite this bad. I am already Past Self even as I'm writing this, And Future Self, too bad for you, here is my butt to kiss! (with apologies to Meghan Trainor) Because you know I’m all about that mess ‘Bout that mess, Hey rebels! I’m all ‘bout that mess, ‘bout that mess, Hey rebels! I’m all ‘bout that mess, ‘bout that mess, Hey rebels! I’m all ‘bout that mess, ‘bout that mess Yeah it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no Martha Stew- Art, don’t want to decorate it like I’m “supposed to” do ‘Cause I got a junk room, out of storage space All the right junk in all the wrong places I got the magazines, I’m like my own thrift shop And every inch of it is cluttered From the bottom to the top Yeah, my momma she told me they don’t give a housework prize She says, don’t worry ‘bout it more than if we were guys You know I won’t be no domestic pre-feminist hausfrau, So, if that’s what you’re into then go ahead and get out now I’m bringing duty back Go ahead and tell them neat freak bitches Hey No, I’m just playing I know you think you’re slobs, But these aren’t women’s jobs, Everybody delegate them from the basement to the shop Yeah, my momma she told me don’t tolerate lazy guys She says, don’t date men who are little boys in disguise You know I won’t be no scullery, trying to do it all So, if that’s what you’re into then hang up and please don’t call |
AuthorI've been working with chronic disorganization, squalor, and hoarding for over 20 years. I'm also a marathon runner who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and thyroid disease 17 years ago. This website uses marketing and tracking technologies. Opting out of this will opt you out of all cookies, except for those needed to run the website. Note that some products may not work as well without tracking cookies. Opt Out of CookiesArchives
January 2022
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