Lazybusy

I had another iteration of a conversation I have had with several people. Someone tries to convince me that they are lazy, after I’ve gotten to know this person and have every reason to think of them as highly productive.

“You are NOT lazy,” I will say, already knowing how the conversation will go.

“I totally am,” they will say, and then proceed to argue all the reasons why they are so lazy.

There is a quote out there that goes “never argue for your limitations”

[pause to find out who said that?]

[Richard Bach: “Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.”]

...but I don’t necessarily think that’s what people are doing when they claim to be lazy.

Something complicated is going on here.

I’ve done it myself, even though I don’t really believe in laziness as a thing that exists, and I’m not even sure what I’m trying to accomplish when I’ve said it.

There are a couple of arguments I could make in favor of my own purported ‘laziness.’

For instance, yesterday I made canned soup for dinner and just chopped up some collard greens to throw into it. I have a robot vacuum cleaner and sometimes I just brush crumbs onto the floor so the robot can get them later.

Another person who read that, knowing more details about my life, might say, Yes, but that’s farm-fresh organic collards from the community-supported agriculture collective. And you only have a robot vacuum because you’re a neat freak; I’ve seen your apartment.

It appears that “laziness” is a matter of perspective.

Chances are high that I know too much about the housekeeping and productivity habits of most of my friends.

The last person to claim to me that she is lazy - “SO lazy” - is an especially comical case. This particular person is one of the two individuals I have ever met who keeps Inbox Zero as a default. Both are basically allergic to having an email in their inbox for more than five minutes after they’ve spotted it. Same thing with having a to-do list. Anything that can’t be handled immediately feels stressful and draining to this type of person.

That is true about procrastination: it does feel stressful and draining. Yet those of us who are prone to procrastination will do it anyway. We can’t even figure out why we are tormenting ourselves by dragging out how long we will have the task breathing down our necks.

It’s a funny thing. It’s hard to tell the truth and say, “I need help! I’m stuck procrastinating on this thing and I don’t know why and I can’t seem to get started.” Yet almost anyone will claim, “I’m lazy, so lazy, no, you don’t even understand how impossibly lazy I am” even when every detail of their life is immaculate.

It seems like there are two parts to this:

One, the virtue-signaling of acknowledging a high standard - for productivity, fitness, home-making, maybe grooming, but probably not personal hygiene;

And two, also signaling an approachable and friendly level of relatability.

Because think of the alternative. What if we all were as busy and productive as our wildest dreams, or maybe even a little more so?

And what if we met, and judged each other for it?

And nobody ever had any fun because we were just chasing each other in circles with our clipboards stuffed full of checklists?

Loose thread, check. Speck of dust, check. Nope, sorry, you simply are not perfect enough to have coffee with me. And besides, I’m much too busy to consume coffee in a sitting position. I drink it iced because it works better in my hydration pack. Onward!

I’m starting to think we should flip this standard the other way.

Lounge around as the default, occasionally do something, and then brag about how hard we worked.

I’m saying this because I’m sort of mad at myself and I’m not sure what to do. I have alternating three-day weekends, and I keep trying to set aside that block of time for lounging and relaxing, yet I keep finding myself doing housework.

On Saturday I was going to read a book, and instead I found myself reorganizing my linen closet.

Why?? It’s not like anyone is coming over???

I bought my husband a neck massager. It’s shaped sort of like a scarf. You drape it over the back of your neck and put your hands through the stirrups, and you can pull down on it to decide how much pressure. He says it’s already fixed neck problems that he’s had for years, and now he’s encouraging me to use it.

I’ve tried it: twice.

I keep finding myself sitting next to the magical neck device, setting up calendar appointments or making grocery orders or... or something. And then suddenly it’s bedtime and I haven’t done the neck massage.

Tell me, if you identify with any of this at all, do you think it’s some kind of perceived moral hazard?

That if we relax we might actually become lazy?

That we’ll fall off the tightrope and wake up to find ourselves living in complete squalor?

I asked my husband, Do men do this? Do men ever tell each other how lazy they’re being? He said yes, and he’s done it himself. Turns out this isn’t a gendered thing, it’s a ‘productive people’ thing.

I was going to tat up this lace tablecloth before you all came over, but I was being lazy and I didn’t finish.

I was going to bake 27 dozen cookies for the school fundraiser, but I was too lazy.

I’ve been trying and failing to think of something that I would consider genuinely lazy. (At least, not when someone else does it. Everything I do is obviously lazy to the extreme). I could tell you a lot of stories about hoarding and squalor, for instance, yet I know the backstories and I don’t believe laziness is implicated there. Not in the slightest.

What is lazy, exactly?

Can someone tell me? Because I’m starting to think maybe I should actually try it. At least for an hour or two on the occasional holiday weekend.