Resolutions We Wish You’d Make

The best reason to make positive personal changes is that we can’t make anyone else change, no matter how annoying they are. What are we going to do with all that pent-up change energy? The person who cuts in line, the person who parks crooked, the person who is trying to prove the existence of auras by wearing a cloud of body spray - none of them are going to do anything about themselves. They’re too busy feeling annoyed by everyone else. WHY do other people insist on getting to the store before me and standing in MY line? WHY do other people insist on parking in the spots next to where *I* want to park? WHY can’t other people simply appreciate my gift of extreme fragrance? Start with the assumption that you are exactly as annoying as the people who annoy you, and you already have your hand on the doorknob of spiritual enlightenment.

It’s all about the categorical imperative. Act in such a way that, if your behavior became universal law, you would endorse it. If you floss your teeth, you’re saying that everyone should floss their teeth. If you’re nice to animals, you’re saying that everyone should be nice to animals. If you tap your pen, you’re saying yes to a mass cacophony of pen-tapping, synchronized to such a degree that it might vibrate in harmony, triggering an earthquake or possibly setting off a volcano.

Now, how about a list of nearly-universal pet peeves, at least one of which each of us is obviously doing, but would never admit (or possibly notice).

Taking up more than one parking spot

Leaving your shopping cart in your parking spot

Leaving used diapers in your parking spot

Texting and driving

Letting your dog poo and walking away like it didn’t happen

Talking on your cell phone while making commercial transactions

Burning microwave popcorn at work more than once per lifetime

Microwaving leftover fish at work

Sticking gum under tables, chairs, or anywhere else

For that matter, chewing gum at all

Clipping your nails at the coffee table (and leaving nail bits for us to step on)

Leaving containers of moldy leftovers in the fridge

Leaving laundry baskets of “clean” clothes for the cat to sleep/pee in

Mowing your lawn at 7 AM, especially on the weekend

Vacuuming your bedroom first thing in the morning when I live downstairs from you

Playing loud music off your patio

Loud arguments in hotel rooms

Leaving paper covers on the seat after leaving a public restroom stall

Talking about politics at work (unless that is your literal job description)

Exploding stuff in the microwave and leaving it for someone else to clean up

Defending your kid for being a bully

Letting your dog jump up on people, especially strangers

Thinking that being a troll or griefer is funny

Publicly shaming people for misusing punctuation

Letting your kid kick the back of someone’s seat

Shouting at cashiers, baristas, waiters, or any other person just trying to do their job

Undertipping

Putting your bare hands in the bulk bins at the grocery store

Flicking your fingers under the tap instead of actually washing your hands with soap

Vaguebooking

And one from me: Posting pictures of food on social media. I want to see you, not your dimly lit plate


Please stop doing these things! Love, Everyone Else