The Body I Have

This body is temporary.  I was born into a physical human body that will only be around for a measly few decades, twelve at the most.  Nobody has lived to 130 yet, or if they have, nobody documented it.  This body I have has certain limits.  It can only endure a certain range of temperatures.  It can only spend a limited time underwater without specialized equipment.  It can only thrive on a limited range of foods, not including bark or pebbles.  This body has joints that can only withstand a certain range of motion; its knees don’t want to bend backward.  This body has bones that can only tolerate a limited force of impact or pressure.  This body can be stopped in its tracks simply by inhaling or ingesting the wrong substance.  The body I have won’t last forever, it can’t do everything, and in one way or another it’s inferior to every other animal on the face of the earth.  No flight capability, no prehensile tail, no ability to see into the infrared or ultraviolet spectrum, no echolocation, no gills.  Still, it’s mine.  The body I have is the body I have.

This body has given me some trouble over the years.  In my early twenties, I was diagnosed with thyroid disease and fibromyalgia.  I had my first migraine at 22, and that became a regular feature of my life for the next fifteen years.  There have been other problems: weird moles that had to be biopsied, impacted wisdom teeth, sprains and strains and skinned knees and second-degree sunburns.  I’ve walked into stinging nettle and had a fire ant crawl up my pants.  At these times, I often wish I were a floating consciousness with no body at all.  Why can’t I be me without having to inhabit this inconvenient meat puppet?

The truth is that without the body I have, I would really freak people out.  I need a human form to be able to hug people, hold hands, dance, and eat my favorite meals.  The body I have makes it possible to participate in conversations.  I can see and hear and taste and detect odors, which, alas, isn’t always such a bonus.  I have the physical power to intervene, for instance the several times I have chased a toddler who was about to run full-speed into danger.  As a floating ghostie I wouldn’t be able to do any of that.

The body I have is a useful vehicle.  It’s “me” in almost every important way.  It’s what my friends and loved ones recognize when they see me.  My physical health, as it turns out, is almost completely responsible for my moods and attitude.  When I eat poorly and lapse into sedentary behaviors, I become bored and sullen.  The consequences of my less-than-optimal choices rebound and affect everyone I encounter, from those closest to me to the most briefly glimpsed strangers who happen to see my scowling countenance.  It turns out that I look really angry when I’m in pain.  Treating this human vessel respectfully, feeding it within the range that is biologically appropriate for humans, moving it the required amount, makes me much more pleasant to deal with.  It also makes it easier for me to enjoy living in this world for the few decades that I will be here.

When I was ill, I blamed the body I have for all my problems.  I didn’t understand that I could impact any of these health issues through my behavior or choices.  I didn’t realize I had a choice.  I wouldn’t have believed it if someone told me I did.  I would have felt that that was a very unsympathetic, even cruel, thing to say.  Only after I experienced it did I start to believe that whatever my body is doing on any given day is a snapshot, one frame out of a mind-bendingly long movie.  It should be more intuitive than it is, but a body that begins as a single cell, is born into a tiny infant, and then grows continually for two decades is designed for constant change.  Why is it so easy to fall into the trap of thinking we are stuck with whatever physical state we are experiencing at one moment on the timeline?
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I needed to experience change in this body that I have before I could truly believe it was possible.  First the change, then the belief.  I could never have taken it on faith from someone else.  Now, I see examples of other people who have changed their bodies in adulthood on a daily basis.  It’s just like when you buy a new car and then start seeing that make and model everywhere you go.  Vehicle, vehicle, same thing.  Tens of thousands of people have reversed health conditions, gotten off medication, and/or lost hundreds of pounds.  For mysterious reasons, those of us who still have physical issues never believe that we could be a part of this group.  Other hominids may be able to change their bodies, but not us.  We’re special, special in a bad way.  We have been punished by fate and genetics to suffer and have a bad body!  We accept this dire sentence, carved into stone by unfeeling deities.  We can’t spend more than a couple of days half-heartedly dabbling at one change or another, never enough to convince us that it just might work if we kept going.  We think a body must continue as it is, the only changes possible being negative changes.  The body I have can sicken and gain weight, but it can’t heal or return to a lean, thriving form, even as I see cuts and scrapes return to quality new skin on a routine basis.  Other people who experience healing and increased health must have better bodies than the one that I have.

The body that I have can do amazing things.  It remembers to breathe and keep its heart, lungs, and blood moving even when I sleep.  It recovers from illness and injury.  Every time I have tested it to find out what else it can do, it rises to the occasion and meets the challenge.  I’m 40, probably at the halfway mark of my life (if I haven’t passed it already), yet I am still continuing to discover new capabilities.  I continue to grow extra muscle and become faster, stronger, and more agile.  It feels as though I am aging in reverse.  Despite my history of chronic illness, I have started to be satisfied, even impressed, with the body I have.

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