What better way to start the New Year than by reading The Perfection Detox? In fact, I’m going to tell you now that you should plan to start it, dip into it a chapter at a time, and give yourself permission not to finish it until, like, March. The whole point of this exercise is to practice self-forgiveness and to focus more on learning and growing than on a stale, useless perfectionism.
This book places perfection on the opposite end of the spectrum from ambition. I love this formulation because it really speaks to a tightly wound, Type A personality such as myself. The only way to really loosen the grasp of perfectionism is to learn to hold it in disdain, as something inferior to a more desirable quality. Petra Kolber reminds us that our perfectionism may have become entangled with other attributes such as a strong work ethic, reliability, and organizational skills. It’s harder to eliminate when we perceive any kind of moral hazard in reevaluating this trait.
Another useful concept of The Perfection Detox is that there is more than one type of perfectionist. A self-oriented perfectionist has high internal standards, a socially oriented perfectionist is concerned about impressing other people, and an other-oriented perfectionist tries to control other people’s behavior when she thinks it reflects on her reputation. I hear the self-oriented perfectionist in myself when I think how painful and distracting it must be for the socially oriented perfectionist - “just quit caring and you can get so much more done!”
This is an excellent, thought-provoking book based on quite a bit of research. I learned a lot about rumination, for example, and that the brain perceives negative words as a physical threat. Kolber advocates replacing the negative self-talk and rigid thinking of perfectionism with self-forgiveness and a paradigm shift to wonder, curiosity, and the flow state. The book has a compelling argument in favor of imagination and upgraded goals rather than unrealistic expectations. The discussion of positivity in general is rich and nuanced, aimed at the skeptic rather than the enthusiast. Don’t simply force yourself into socially mandated “positivity” but instead learn to be a “benefit seeker.” It’s more of a neutral cognitive skill than an emotional state.
I enjoyed the exercises in The Perfection Detox, especially the exercises about procrastination and goal-setting. I particularly enjoyed learning the Diamond Rule: speak to yourself as you speak to others. Ooh, a tough one! But then how do we deal with the self-conscious emotions of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and pride? We accept and revel in our imperfection, because it means we’re alive, we’re human, and we’re growing.
Would you feel comfortable with others seeing how you talk to yourself?
The all-or-nothing mindset can lead to nothing.
I stopped striving to be perfect and concentrated instead on being effective.
When you learn to live bravely you give other women permission to do the same.
I've been working with chronic disorganization, squalor, and hoarding for over 20 years. I'm also a marathon runner who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and thyroid disease 17 years ago.
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