COVID-19 Chronicles: Fighting

85Setback today, average it out to 4/10?

Thought I was feeling basically normal, so I went nuts and… made my own bowl of instant oatmeal in the microwave.

Two hours later I discovered I had triggered a flareup, three hours of constant tickle in my throat followed by three hours of fighting to breathe again, another hour just to sit quietly with my eyes closed.

When you tell people “You have to fight” be clear about how it sounds to ill people and their families.

It implies that people who succumb or decline or die were too lazy to try hard

I already know of people who have died of COVID, 2 degrees of separation, parents of young kids, a doctor in one case. To say these people had less motivation to fight than I do would be…

It would be grotesque, is what it would be. A breathtaking insult

And I have a whole new understanding of ‘breathtaking’ right now

That being said, I am a person of determination and fortitude, grit is one of the few traits where I believe I beat most people

When I ran my marathon, first I blew out my ankle and then I worked my hip flexor to failure. I had to literally drag my left leg for 8 MILES to make it to the finish line. A lot of it uphill.

Didn’t even consider that a grit workout, not even self-discipline level, just focus. I paid $200 and my family were waiting, that’s my ride, no wallet on me, just keep jogging along

I did need grit to get through my first Krav Maga promotion, bonked so hard at the end that I could barely walk, ran out of snacks, hands shaking so hard I could barely tie my shoes

But I slapped myself in the face and after about the 6th try I tied them, need food

The day I ask someone else to tie my shoes for me, not happening

Didn’t cry though

Last time I cried on expedition was when we got caught in a blizzard, hiked 15 miles to camp including 3700 ft elevation gain, set up camp at 11 pm, only to find that my sleeping bag was sopping wet

Kept it together until I realized I had finally dragged off all my wet clothes and put on dry clothes… over soggy underwear… had to start over, then I lost it a little

Today, I’ll tell the truth, I lost it a little

Tomorrow is an event my team put together in my absence, no guidance or support from me, I feel guilty as trash right now. Thought I would try to surprise everyone and pop on to wave hi, maybe not talk, now I don’t think I could even handle tying my hair back

The fight I am fighting is a physical fight TO SIT UP

I know the battle is to keep fluid out of my lungs, if I wind up on a ventilator I only have a 20% chance of ever coming home again, BELIEVE I AM MOTIVATED

Forcing myself to sit propped up on the couch for 14 hours a day and do breathing exercises is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life

I AM FIGHTING

If you ever take one message away from anything I ever wrote, let it be this, never tell an ill person they have to fight, it can’t even be described as rude, it’s more like character assassination

Just avoid giving advice in general, even holding the phone to read it is exhausting

I am feeling a little better by writing this. Writing has always been the way I process my thoughts and emotions, most effective way to distract myself from tough problems

But now sitting and typing IS the tough problem

Metaphorically I am punching my way out of my own coffin (Kill Bill 2) and I have punched plenty of things as a martial artist, taken punches to the mouth, to the nose, to the eye, to the gut, elbow strikes to the face, thrown on the ground, pinned, all that

It’s not my sparring partners telling me to fight, it’s people who never put on the gloves

Don’t mean to scorch anyone, I know everyone on the planet has as much anxiety as I do right now, I know people genuinely want to see me get up and wobble down the hall, out of quarantine

Right now I’m about… eh… 85% convinced I will make it, which is good, it’s good

Just please don’t think I’ve quit because I’ve been quite ill for 11 days, I probably still have two weeks to go

“it’s a marathon not a sprint” no kidding, I’d ask my hubby to get my marathon medal out for me to wear but it honestly seems a little grim, also too heavy to put on my chest right now

The good news is, he’s doing totally fine, maybe 2-3 days of barely noticeable symptoms, he might have gotten out of this with no idea he was exposed. Even more excited than I am by the prospect of becoming an antibody vending machine.

This is what people do when they find out you’re sick, they want to check with you right away IS IT TRUE?? Don’t ask the sick person, ask someone two degrees out from their circle, example, everyone in my family & my hubby are all still working full time, I know other people must be in the same situation

There’s no etiquette book for this, actually there might be?? We’re all trying to figure out how to love each other and get through this together. I picture you doing something cool, reading a book, watching a movie, chatting with friends - things I’m too tired to do myself right now - and it cheers me right up.

There’s a young male finch that sings outside my window, looking for a mate, Noelie chirped back to him, did you know she speaks Finch? Some things are still going well, a couple months ago some wild parrots flew by squawking and she picked up her little foot and waved at them. Like I’m waving to you now, Hello, from a safe distance.