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By reader request (hello darlin’) I have gone back and categorized all my COVID-19 posts.
There are two categories: COVID 19 Chronicles, covering the time from when I found out I was exposed, through my illness, to the point when I was off antibiotics. COVID 19, for everything I’ve written about the pandemic, isolation, and my experience recovering from the virus. This was kind of a bummer. I didn’t have a COVID category last year because I was hoping it was just a blip. Six years of keeping a blog and it should have been nothing but a blip! I agree, though, that this material should be easier to find. The reason I wrote, even when I was so ill it would literally take me all day to write two pages, was to keep people informed. I hoped then, and hope now, that my experience will help people to understand that this thing is just as real as any other cold or flu - while significantly more dangerous. I also hope that my experience may be of service to anyone who falls ill after me and wants to know how to cope. If this is you, there are better treatments now, and doctors know more than they did last year. I wish you well. Hang on, everyone. The vaccines are here and we might all have our chance at our jabs by summer. Let’s all see 2022 together! Two naps today, feeling jet-lagged
This is the first time in over a month that I have just felt regular tired, not sick-tired Used to sleep like this after distance races, last time I needed two naps was after my marathon Made executive decision to not take Mucinex or Tylenol and just see how I do, very pleased not to be coughing or short of breath, no burning in chest, done with antibiotics Looks like I BEAT THIS THING! (And the other thing) Unpacked my hospital go-bag, gesture of faith and optimism Opened my email Closed it again, flopped head back, not today sorry Feeling 70% for only the second time in the past month, last time ended with chest x-ray, hopefully this time is for real Thinking a lot about how other people would handle this, people with kids, people with more than one sick person in the house, people with traditional jobs In other words, almost everyone I was ill for the entire month of April, actually started back in March, only now am I starting to feel well enough to DO anything Like make my own breakfast Could I get through an eight-hour work day right now, doubtful I have trouble even sitting in a regular chair for an hour, still slouching on the couch most of the day Had a social Zoom call this afternoon that I had been looking forward to for two weeks, slept right through it Now that I don’t have to freak out about trying not to die every day, I’m starting to kinda freak out about other stuff What are people going to do if they get sick like me and lose two, three, four weeks or more? What if they have kids?? My mom shared a memory with me while I was sick, all five of us got the stomach flu from hell at the same time, one bathroom & one bucket, I think I was 7 or 8 at the time so my brothers were really little, I remember Poor mommy flopping in rocking chair, trying to tend to three sick kids while sick herself All family members at least 500 miles away That went on for a few days, imagine doing that with weeks of COVID Have you seen the pictures of these tiny kids with full-body skin rashes? New symptom, little ones definitely vulnerable, poor punkins First week I was sick I had a fantasy of being able to help other families if they got sick Back when I thought I would only be ill for five days, HA Now I’m like, call me in June and we’ll talk Still have to rest after I take a shower and put clothes on Talked to my hubby about what it was like to take care of me, he never complained, not once Said he remembered getting the flu in college, he lost several days, passed out, no memory at all Never forgot what it was like to be that sick and helpless I will hand it to him, in 14 years together I have only really had to care for him a couple times when he was ill and a couple times when he had an injury, he is always easy to please and very polite and grateful He gets it ...! I should have gotten out my hydration pack, was just picturing having water cooler next to bed One of the interesting things about this, gender role stuff I owe this man my life No way would I have been able to get enough fluids and food into myself if I lived alone No way could I have asked anyone else to come over and care for me, who would I have asked anyway? Probably we both thought, if he ever saved my life it would be physical, we travel a lot, mugger or burglar, kidnapper maybe He saved me with traditional nurturing skills, nursing, cooking, cleaning Did everything patiently, tirelessly, while holding FT job & working overtime, 10-20 hours a week He was trained to be an emergency medical responder, look into it, it’s like a civilian EMT or ambulance driver skills, one term of classes Very marriageable quality When I was a kid, there was this ritual, boys only If they “racked” each other, (hurt in the swimsuit area), they would solemnly say they were sorry and then they had to buy the other boy a special candy bar, Charleston Chew because it was the most chocolate, biggest size, he would apologize and ask whether vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry Then come back with the correct candy bar and say he was sorry again This taught me what an honest apology looked like Interesting idea of, I think we could call it wergeld, payment for injury I feel that I owe something like this to my husband He said, “That’s marriage, babe, in sickness and in health” I reminded him that that wasn’t actually part of our wedding vows But I agree, that part is included, it would be hard to say but we’re probably about even on cooking for each other, we take turns taking care of each other I feel I owe him for giving him coronavirus He still isn’t convinced whether he had it, may never know if these antibody tests don’t pan out Apologies work better when you are motivated, rather than the other person feeling outraged and demanding it I’ll never forgive myself for putting him at risk because I had to go to stupid brunch Most people will never know who got them sick, just like I’ll never know if I gave it to someone at the grocery store, forgiveness may not be an issue because non-specific, impersonal I feel obligated to help care for someone, one day, when I can In the meantime, best I can do, spread the word, help people figure out how to get ready, take symptoms seriously, imagine doing a kindness for someone in my situation like pharmacy run Patient with each other when it takes an extra few days to respond to email Or weeks maybe, sorry about that Be well everybody TEST RESULTS NEGATIVE!!!
Today, four-week anniversary of crawling into bed sick with COVID-19, got the test results saying all three of us had cleared it! (Self, hubby, friend who drove us) Also last day of antibiotics from secondary bacterial infection in my lungs Still a little vertigo but otherwise, no more fire in my chest, don’t feel like an invalid for the first time all month Thought I would share what it’s been like and what I would have done differently if I had it all to do over again, which, sadly, I might Infection week: had no idea I was exposed, day 5 had to lie on floor with heart palpitations after 20-minute bike ride, told myself I was “just out of shape” 2nd asymptomatic week: “just tired and stressed out,” day 5: “allergy attack” with very itchy eyes, sneezing fits, feeling sick, “wrong symptoms,” “just being paranoid;” day 6 felt fine, went to grocery store; day 7, found out I had been exposed, went for a run, heart palpitations WEEK ONE: stood up from dining table and started rolling sweat, extreme vertigo even in my sleep, malaise, sleeping all day, shaky, dizzy, hand tremors, chills, the rigors, constant sneezing fits, too tired to read or watch TV, so weak I could barely walk to bathroom, lost senses of taste and smell, then my hubby started coughing and I knew I gave him coronavirus WEEK TWO: so weak I could barely sit up, most symptoms reduced but started having trouble breathing, gulping air, then a few days of constant racing heartbeat, resting 90 bpm (50% higher than normal), spike to 120 just from walking across the room, this was the week I thought I would die a few times, had a few paranormal experiences, one day of stomach pain, also very worried my hubby would get worse, call this week 20-40% WEEK THREE: feeling back up to 50-60%, still confused, having trouble tracking conversation or following plot of shows, some neurological symptoms, exhausted after talking for 5 minutes, this is the week I felt illness level of flu or bad cold WEEK FOUR: got sense of taste and smell back, felt like I was back to 70%, almost immediately wound up coughing all night, doctor sent me in for chest x-ray, “peribronchial thickening,” diagnosed bacterial infection in lungs, five days of azithromycin, burning feeling in lungs, chest pains, waking up all night for days, thought I would die again, got COVID test, results back: negative. Total: 44 days since exposure, that is over 6 weeks Assuming I had to go through all this and couldn’t just wish it away, what would I have done differently? I would have taken the 1200 dose of Mucinex DM instead of the 600 I would have re-ordered Mucinex, Tylenol, and my vitamins a week sooner I would have drunk 25% more fluids, especially hot tea I would have listened to music when I realized I couldn’t read - too out of it to realize that was an option I would have put on some nature-cams when I realized I couldn’t watch TV or movies I would have paced myself and told myself “six weeks” instead of “five days” which was then stretched to “two weeks” - would have been much better for my morale to feel like I was “winning” rather than “taking too long to get well” I would have quit pushing myself to get up and do things, hard things like microwaving a bowl of oatmeal I would have set alarms for when to take my pills - the three worst days of symptoms I had were when I waited an hour and everything wore off, amateur mistake I would have quit gaslighting myself, second-guessing myself, talking myself out of body This is all based on the information I had at the time. If I *knew* then what I know now, meaning in some cases access to research that didn’t exist yet, I would have: Spent time in prone position starting from day one Probably gone to urgent care in the 2nd week, realizing I could just get oxygen mask or nebulizer for a few hours, not necessarily admitted to hospital, not automatically put on ventilator Tried to get community COVID test sooner since doctor didn’t really believe me the first week Looking back, I think I had a mild-to-moderate case I did not have fever, sore throat, body aches, vomiting, diarrhea, felt like I might faint but never did, most of my worst symptoms only lasted for a few hours at a time, I was able to sleep roughly 7 hours a night and sometimes get an hour nap, did not really get a cough, that didn’t show up until the secondary infection In other words, my experience was... well, it was scary and awful... and I did think I would die a few times... but reading other people’s moderate or severe cases made me cry On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being ‘asymptomatic’ and 10 being ‘dead’ Let’s see: 1 no symptoms 2 not totally sure I had it ... 7 in hospital 8 on ventilator 9 coma 10 death ...I give my experience a 5 I did feel constantly sick for a month, but I did not feel constant pain, did not pass out, did not have to crawl on the floor, kept my appetite, for those things I am grateful Actually gained 6 lbs, mixed feelings about that Also, my parents and brothers are fine and my hubby made it out okay, out of my cluster of 12 who got sick, none of us were hospitalized, none of us died, to my knowledge I only spread it to one person (WRONG PERSON) but we got a happy ending Speaking of happy endings, I looked into donating convalescent plasma, you have to feel healthy that day and be symptom-free for 28 days, obviously they don’t want blood with antibiotics or secondary bacteria in it So maybe around Memorial Day my hubby and I can go in together, incidentally that will be the 15-year anniversary of the day we met, best friends He was a saint during this, I told him he got promoted to Husband Level 3, he said, “Is that so” Next steps, we are both going to assume we can get this again, just like the common cold, masks everywhere, I also wear safety glasses like at the dentist I have not believed the 6-foot rule all month, I think 12 feet, will be aiming for 15 for my own safety, no offense but now that I know I’m not contagious I’m more worried for myself The only infectious thing about us should be our smiles and our laughs Love to all, thank you for your prayers, be well Tomorrow will be four weeks with coronavirus, still waiting on test results, still no idea how long this thing is going to camp out inside my body
Wish I knew what was going to happen, still not out of the woods A fair number of people get sent home from the hospital only to die of a heart attack or stroke or something, complications Let’s just say I have no plans to go for a run or get on a bike any time soon There are other things I wish I had known, though Not the part about avoiding Virus Brunch and not getting sick, not that part I think it was only a matter of time before we got it, don’t want to upset anyone but at this rate it’s only a matter of time before you get it, too We could easily have picked it up on March 1 when our friend stopped by coughing off the cruise ship If that hadn’t happened my hubby would have been exposed at work two weeks later From the sound of it, one of our downstairs neighbors has it, lot of coughing down there, sounds like me, not sure if he knows Anyway, it’s futile to do that kind of counterfactual “if only I hadn’t done X or Y, then I’d be safe” I don’t believe in safety, I believe in preparedness and grit As far as counterfactuals I’m just glad that if this had to happen, it didn’t happen in other years of my life, such as 1981 or 1999, or before we moved to our nice new apartment I’m thinking more about the information we DID have, and the preparations we DID make I started writing about the pandemic early on, saying we had prepped for it back on March 3 That is true, in fact we already had our stuff by then It is extremely interesting to me to analyze these types of decisions in retrospect For instance, we’ve downsized several times over the years, and I feel validated in our decision to get rid of all our CDs and DVDs, as one example; streaming went mainstream a few years later, good call How did we prep for this pandemic? Made sure we were “stocked up” on groceries, 30 days’ worth of freeze-dried foods, shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, hand soap, laundry soap, dishwasher detergent, bird food I had planned to start taking out cash in small bills each time we went to the store, fill up cash envelope, ran out of time Wrong on both counts Also did not anticipate cracking my phone screen AND breaking my iPad Turns out people prefer contactless payment right now, lack of cash has not been an issue at all, that would be more of a power failure/internet outage issue (Earthquakes, mudslides, wildfire etc) We drastically underestimated how long the stay-at-home order would last We’ve been able to keep ourselves fed but we did run out of hand soap, laundry soap, dishwasher detergent, toothpaste, dental floss And more importantly The Tylenol, Mucinex, and special vitamins I’ve been living off In my mind a month was a really long time to be in isolation I myself have been ill that long I didn’t count on either of us ACTUALLY GETTING SICK Derp The other thing about pandemics is, it could have been anything There could have been other symptoms that would want different types of meds, such as a nasty skin rash We had it on the agenda to restock our first aid kit, that was literally up for the next week, then hubby got bronchitis and we put it off This is all worth saying for what is probably not an obvious reason, but should be Just because one crisis is happening does not prevent more crises from happening We’ve had a couple of earthquakes and were lucky we only felt one, if we had a 7.0 for example that would have made things complicated Not in fire season yet but a few months from now this whole quarantine thing could get mighty awkward, evacuation and social isolation are opposites Another thing, this is dumb, low priority, but we’re running low on books More accurately, my hubby is, he’s not an e-reader I bought him several for New Year and his birthday, enough to make him laugh He has maybe 500 pages left all told The indie bookstore in our area is doing curbside pickup, that’s something, but I guess an anti-minimalist argument could be made to have a sizable to-be-read stack Seems unreasonable to put delivery people in danger just for recreation and entertainment, I feel bad enough even asking for medicine We can give ourselves credit for getting certain things right, either on purpose or by accident It helped to go into it debt-free, not to brag but we did cut our expenses to the bone and do radical downsizing for several years, most married couples simply would not have been willing Very grateful to Past Me for working so hard to lose weight and get fit, there were several times I know I would have collapsed from dizziness but my strong legs held me up Not sure obese past self would have made it, especially after taking months to recover from respiratory infection, coughed up blood, on inhaler etc, do not recommend Past Me set up whole body donation ten years ago, also advance care directive, rethinking part about ventilator now, not necessarily changing but rethinking In some ways we were prepared, hubby’s bike got stolen (2nd time) and he managed to buy a new one almost immediately before pandemic hit, I had complete tune-up on mine previous year Shower drain quit working, got it fixed, again, almost immediately before lockdown Also feel very lucky I was able to get my surgery done before all this, and our poor doggy, what if we had needed to have him put down and the vet was closed?? If he’d hung on another month it would have been rough This is part of how we find resilience and mental toughness, when we realize, things really could have been worse Not that things are great, just that they could be more complicated This is part of possibility thinking, part of strategic planning, includes risks and worst outcomes Knowing already we were less prepared than we thought we were, in one sense don’t regret the time or expense, guess what, not paranoid after all, did not overdo a single thing In another sense, can we even imagine what the next year will be like Remember we make that happen through our intentions, words, and actions This time I made it until 5:45 am before I woke up, something going on in the back of my throat
They call it a “tickle” but it’s more like a crawling, contaminated feeling, like the floor of a movie theater or the bottom of a duck pond I feel fortunate that it doesn’t make me cough most of the time but also I know how a garbage disposal feels at the end of the day Got back to sleep for a few hours, interrupted sleep is just a fact of life with COVID Up again, counting the minutes until I could take my pills, you can feel them wearing off which is why I chose 10 pm / 10 am, so they don’t wear off until after breakfast Lungs feeling like I sucked the tailpipe of a Greyhound bus But then I took my third dose of azithromycin Never thought a little orange bottle would become my most valued possession, the one thing I would save from a fire Started to feel better A few hours later, realized I was breathing deeper, air tasted sweet It’s working! Had a little interlude where I had to go lie down for a while, heart palpitations again But definitely feeling like I am on the upswing, two more days of antibiotics, then soon after, the test results, do I or don’t I?? Next steps, no idea In the meantime let’s tackle some more rumors People seem to think it makes sense that coronavirus came out of a lab This boggles my mind I spend a lot of time reminding myself to be grateful that I am not a medieval peasant dying of plague in a thatched hut, feel a kinship with them They did not blame the Black Death on... alchemists as far as I’m aware Although they did blame the Jews, popular historical fallacy that never stops being stupid and deadly It does seem hard for people to believe that viruses just mutate in various natural reservoirs, that they are not living creatures and that they have no agenda other than to propagate Every now and then a large bird of prey steals someone’s pet, nobody ever calls that a conspiracy, it’s just nature’s way, if something is effective for an organism then it keeps happening Viruses are good at what they do, better than we are, I could never dream of the level of competence of a virus Like ants, they never sleep, each individual is equivalent to a synapse, one colony is like one human brain, except they have zero distractions, no breaks, no vacations, all they do is ant All viruses do is virus Meanwhile we like to blame each other, blame other things, brainstorm, draw pictures, speculate, talk for hours, in other words, we human While the virus just viruses That’s why they keep winning, why bubonic plague and leprosy and Ebola and H1N1 are still here in their own ways There’s this idea that coronavirus will go away when the weather gets warm, we know better than that here because it never gets cold where we live, all the beach communities have it, Cali, Florida, Australia, what we also have is a hang loose attitude I keep reading arguments in my neighborhood Nextdoor, overwhelming attitudes are “stop tattling on people,” “stop being judgmental,” “stop being paranoid,” “open the beaches” Though you should know, they mean just for locals, people here genuinely believe that not everyone is entitled to go to the beach, just only people who can afford to pay 4x for beach real estate People truly seem to think their position (refuse social distancing) is okay ethically because it is their personal risk to negotiate Would they be okay with me taking a walk tomorrow, on the premise that I might have a pulmonary embolism, but that’s my risk to take? Never mind that I might give coronavirus to dozens of people who would not know for two weeks Is this confusion, like they really don’t know what ‘contagious’ means? Or is it a moral blindness, just unable to care about any other person, even their own family or possibly pet cat Or is it denial, probably denial “I am young and healthy, therefore I will not get sick” HAHAHAHA hubris, I might have thought that too In fact I almost made it, if I hadn’t gone on that run I might have fought it off and not realized I was ever sick Which is where I want to make a very brief mention of something very awkward and painful I keep seeing personal stories of people younger than me, one lives, one died “I don’t understand, they were young and healthy, no underlying conditions” Meanwhile clearly obese or severely obese It’s a risk factor There is no time for me but there is for the rest of you, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into but the rest of you do, you know more than I did You might have months, you might have a year or two, to prepare a little If you’re big, if you’re carrying a little extra Please take a moment and think it over I don’t blame you at all for how you might feel about body image issues, but those are human concerns Virus doesn’t care Virus doesn’t care that I planned to start training for an ultramarathon this year Virus didn’t care that I didn’t want my husband to get sick, it just jumped him Virus doesn’t care about our thoughts or opinions Virus certainly doesn’t care about the economy or our haircuts or our mortgages Can’t bribe it, insult it, threaten it Although we can certainly try to ignore it Wish I could  Woke up around 3 AM and I was pretty sure that this time I was really going to die
It wasn’t so much that I couldn’t breathe as that the breathing I was doing was very hot and wrong, my lungs, my chest Thought about getting up to call an ambulance Wished I had not Googled “peribronchial thickening” before bed, better not to have a visual of what was going on in there Got up to use bathroom and try to go back to sleep again, thinking reinforcing thoughts about the azithromycin while also worrying how I was going to get through the next 9 hours before I could take the second dose Fitful sleep, snapped awake again at 6 am, lay on my stomach to read for an hour or so Then I managed to fall back asleep, not underworld visit like the last few days but an actual deep, peaceful nap, woke up feeling so much better, okay, trust in this widely used antibiotic Hubby hadn’t slept well at all for two days, was starting to feel ill, I talked him into taking a Unisom and he conked out until nearly 1 pm, I actually went in to make sure he was still breathing So birdie and I had the morning together to read quietly, like old times except my lungs feel like they belong to an old man who smokes cigars around a bonfire made of burning tires Reading, greatest pleasure of my life, I am finally at a point when I can focus and follow a plot again! Hubby got up, we both laughed, he’s a 6 am guy and always has been Perfect timing, lovely friend texted just then to invite us to get COVID tests together, fun friend outing We each had to register separately, they offer maybe 50 time slots per hour, get confirmation # Shower and get ready, still so tired I need to lie down after, ironic that proving your need for medical treatment is so physically demanding Get dressed! Bend over and put on shoes! Carry bag! Walk tens of feet! Stand for minutes at a time! Talk to several people! Open pill bottles! Hubby and I left apartment together for first time in a month, opportunity to run robot vacuum without listening to it, in the old days on a Saturday we would be going to movie theater Walked down stairs to street level, trying to avoid elevator, conscientious By the time we got down there, one minute, I was in a flop sweat, nauseated, shaky, sat on planter box Friend pulled up, we piled in, like old times except all in masks like bank robbers Chattering and joking about news, trading gossip Turns out, out of the Virus Brunch cluster, 16 exposed (14 adults 2 kids), 12 people total infected, 5 tested positive, no others got tests, today will make 8 tests Place your bets, out of the three of us, will we all get the same results? Or not? Who will get which? Drove over to testing site, in past times I would have considered walking to it, on bus route that only comes once an hour, don’t think they allow walk-in coronavirus testing Couldn’t find it at first, expecting big line of cars, we were the only vehicle! County is paying for tests, trying to get anyone with symptoms to go through, cheek swab, they could probably do them in the mail except not sanitary There were three separate ID checkpoints, driving around maze of cones set up for at least 30 cars at a time, “when we finish we’ll all have our driver’s licenses renewed too” Watched 4-minute explainer video, make yourself cough several times, open sealed swab packet, 10 seconds each cheek, 10 seconds roof of mouth, don’t eat or drink anything for an hour ahead of time Put swab in vial with liquid, snap off end of swab, screw top back on vial, shake it, put in bag Procedure had changed from video, apparently people have sloppy handwriting, tech was there to fill out labels, one day this will all be app based, no touch, test vending machine or robot Dangerous for a person to do, that poor woman standing in the sun in bunny suit and gloves sweating everywhere When we were done and sealed, handed bags to another tech to drop in big trash can Results in a few days, phone call for positive, email for negative Hubby realized his was red from drink he had earlier, now we know, all three of us will have different results: Yes, No, Cherry Had hoped testing site would offer both swab & antibody test, that is probably too complicated, antibody tests not standardized, huge relief not to get nasal swab On the drive back we saw several groups of happy young people, one the boys had their masks hanging loose off their faces by one ear loop, another group only one of three kids had one, no distancing, are they siblings?? Drive-thru surfboard shop doing brisk business, beaches open next two counties down, our town has $1000 fine for surfing although some might be willing to pay it Watching all this with lungful of fire and brimstone, smoke coming out my ears Now we have a choice ahead of us. If the three of us all have matching tests, can we quaranteam? If we all test negative then it seems fair, although antibody tests would help If we all test positive then is there a reason not to? Saw in the news, poor young woman in quarantine 60 days, feels fine but keeps swabbing positive We were all exposed, can this be true, 6 weeks ago?? Lovely friend and I have been quite ill for weeks, hubby has been sharing my bed all this time, hard to imagine we could expose each other any worse than we already have done, but then I am the weak link here, only one of the 12 in our cluster who still has symptoms By the time we get our results I will be done with my course of antibiotics, very hard to tell what happens next except that I sure hope I feel better than I do right now If you haven’t noticed, every week has a whole new set of rules, new world each time, your guess is as good as mine Woke up this morning
Seriously, you tend to notice that more, moment of clarity each and every morning, Wow, I made it, 45 seconds of stillness before Symptom O the Day pops up Two very rough nights, barely sleeping at all, doctor says I have a lung infection and I certainly believe him, this is the worst my chest has felt for the duration, or, well, ever Check email, all the labs came in, very funny moment when I discovered they had tested me for treponema pallidum, they thought it’s more likely I somehow picked up syphilis than complications of COVID, snort, have it your way doctor Imagine that, all panels NORMAL, good to know but again, probably more expensive to do full nutrition work-up than start with assumption that coronavirus is romping around in there Didn’t occur to me right away, but nobody checked my temperature, pulse, blood pressure or did any kind of swab, no stethoscope, no ordinary steps of doctor checkup, don’t blame them, I don’t want to touch me either Doctor emailed back about chest x-ray, “peribronchial thickening,” did not mention COVID, prescribed azithromycin, consistent with news reports I wonder if my friends got amoxicillin because azithromycin is in short supply? Or some other reason? They got 10 days, I get 5, whoa! Big cannonball New complication, how to get them pills Pharmacy 3 miles away, for regular people, COVID pharmacy back across town, hour round trip, twice in 18 hours, no thank you, I am tired, also lovely friend is working Can’t send hubby or nice friend to normal pharmacy, they are screening over there, both still QT, do not want to wait several days for mail, especially over weekend Hmm. Who can I bother for this favor? ADVICE: Follow along, think out your delivery options in your friend group now before you need to, hard to think straight when you are ill, also be kind and think who you would do this for Thinking through, almost everyone who offered to help me is either working, doing childcare, OR BOTH, or over 60 Scrolling through text messages, reading friends’ names, oh dear Aha! Realized our dog walker friend would totally do it, check if she is in town, if not her then another couple of self-employed friends with no kids Meanwhile I am sacked out like a jellyfish, if a jellyfish was on fire inside Got arrangements made, you’re a lifesaver, also I will pay you for your time, took her an hour, then they couldn’t even find my stuff, this is like the plot of Balto complete with faithful canine companions Precious little white bag, never thought a $9 antibiotic would feel more impressive than a new iPhone, or a gold brick, no 20th century without antibiotics though, don’t agree fight me Maybe later Took two, had been fighting nap waiting for sled dogs, crashed out for an hour, I believe sleep helps healing and helps any kind of medicine do its work in peace Woke up dizzy, bonking, feeling wildly ill and disoriented, head spinning Got up, made it from bed to couch, hubby asking, How are you feeling? Don’t look so good Made me a big ol’ sandwich and I started pulling myself together Realized chest was actually feeling better, okay, did not think doctor believed me but it looks like he was right about the antibiotic, even one dose seems to have helped Now the impossible: pull my socks up, promises to keep, werewolf woman on camera in a few hours, big event of the season Oh lord A hundred people looking forward to seeing living proof that it is possible to survive coronavirus, they need this, spokesmodel time This would probably be much more convincing in 5 more days Come on modern medicine, I need a miracle, okay, second choice, cosmetics Took me two hours to shower, take break, get dressed, take break, dry hair, take break Approx half gallon of spackle and mascara When you see someone looking camera ready, now you know, that person may in fact have a lung infection, surprise Hello everybody! Did my role, C+ job, doing okay then truly stupid technical glitch, embarrassed myself, feeling like I got unfair credit for being an invalid, swoop in like a seagull and get credit for everyone else’s weeks of hard work Then I remember how much everyone needs distractions right now, bits of normality, how much we need each other and to see smiling faces of friends Rapidly started decompensating, started with hands shaking, oh dear I think I’m running a fever, lungs burning again, had to take a break Then my sinuses started to explode again, had to keep turning camera off to have sneezing fits, face getting red, having a tough time sitting up, almost done Made it to the end like a professional, how often are performers doing this? Putting on a show with flu or food poisoning or migraine or sprained ankle, I bet all the time Everyone applauded for me, made me cry, this is what I always wanted, to motivate and inspire The Girl Who Lived Something bigger than just myself, triumph of human spirit, humanity will beat this alien trash, total waste of carbon that is coronavirus, we will do this together Remember that we love each other, can’t do this alone, join hands my friends  Wait, are those... party streamers? Well that escalated quickly
I swear, I was totally feeling better yesterday, but I probably overdid it In retrospect, it should not have taken me two hours to recover from talking for 9 minutes Went to bed with a headache, slipped up and took my Mucinex an hour late, have only done that 3x since I’ve been sick and each time it has set me back a day Barely slept at all, tickle in my throat, coughing all night - a first, believe it or not, coughing has not really been a part of my coronavirus journey Had the bright idea to email my doctor an update, as I do each week, and asked if I should consider my case ‘moderate’ rather than ‘mild’ since I have had breathing difficulties, heart palpitations, and nerve tingling He emailed back right away that he had ordered a chest x-ray FOR TODAY and a bunch of labs, he thinks the coughing is a bacterial infection in my lungs, nerve tingling he said might be thyroid or a number of other things, he thinks unrelated to COVID, fair enough I was asleep at the time, went back to bed and crashed out for 2 hours, woke up feeling very raw, lungs burning, back sore, something very wrong going on in there Woke up, saw email, oh dear... was more worried about going across town than about health prognosis So tired What does this mean, chest x-ray today, can I think on it? Note, COVID patients are notorious for showing up at hospital far later than someone else would advise, apparently coronavirus tricks lungs into not realizing they are not giving enough oxygen This affects brain processing speed, can vouch for that, been here before 15 years ago So, okay, wait, like, I have to go to the hospital, like... NOW? They close at 8, already afternoon Called ahead to check hours, where do I go, let them know Typhoid Mary is on the way Texted my friend from Virus Brunch, said I didn’t want to expose a Lyft driver You find out who your ride or die friends are, of course she dropped everything and was like BE RIGHT THERE Take care of your Obligers, they eventually earn it back tenfold Fussed around packing hospital go-bag, I have more pills than the World’s Oldest Man Chest burning, feeling quite ill, but I guess it’s time to put on clothes and shoes and get stuff together Actually forgot what my keychain looked like, Oh, might need that, haven’t used anything from my purse in over a month, really only a couple times in the past 6 weeks Hospital said to come alone, nowhere to sit in waiting room, hubby and I had a sad goodbye I genuinely believed I would probably be admitted to the hospital, that I might not see him, best case scenario like midnight, worst case, text him from hospital bed, might be in isolation for days He was like “you’ll be fine” Helped me fit my mask, I put on safety glasses and gloves, ventured outside for the first time in weeks Twilight Zone Warm, sunny, springtime beach weather, traffic, people walking and holding hands, some in masks but most not Got to see my beautiful friend, she looked amazing, almost better now Grim half-hour trip to COVID hospital / girl time beach vacation, catch up on goss Told her what the doctor said about bacterial lung infection She was like OH, I should have told you She and one other person from virus brunch both had the same thing, they got amoxicillin, apparently this is a known issue Well in that case! In other news, out of the 11 people I know who got sick, 5 have actually gotten tests and were confirmed (not just 1), improves statistics if we are included, also validates my presumptive positive diagnosis This is the weird thing about COVID, in a lot of ways it lowers your anxiety because the worst has already happened, you don’t have to dread WILL I GET IT because you already did, no more miasma of dark thoughts, more like a flow chart or to-do list Most people would be like OH NO, I have a bacterial infection in my lungs and I need a chest x-ray When you have coronavirus it’s more like, oh, BACTERIA? Is that all? Whew! Because it’s TREATABLE I’ve HAD ordinary garden-variety respiratory infection before, this we can handle Cheered me right up Also laughing with my sweet friend, so nice to see her and appreciate that she lived, our friends lived, by extrapolation I too shall live We’ve driven back and forth together so many times on that same stretch of road, going to dinner together, or lunch, or tea, or... probably never brunch again, but hey It was like old times Except before we wouldn’t have referred to hanging out as “quaranteaming” Got to hospital, met by staff in masks and shower caps, holding clipboard, very well organized Dropped off, feeling quite alone with my hospital backpack, breath fogging up safety glasses, werewolf woman on the move Talked to clerk from 10 feet, didn’t even have to get out my health card, she looked me up by phone # and DOB I was the only patient, there were at least a dozen staff outside and a couple inside Waiting room chairs taped off My name was already up on the reader board before I turned the corner, not even a minute Maybe 3 minutes later I was being called in for my labs, only a few yards, nobody was in there, just one tech Millennials 100%, I don’t think I saw anyone over 30 Took 10 vials of blood, is that all mine?? Asked him how he was holding up, he was like ME? I’m fine, his attitude: young, healthy, not worried whatsoever, open beaches please, he definitely looked bright and well-rested Then I went back out to wait, clerk was helpfully calling to me from behind check-in desk, honestly it was like a resort hotel experience except that nobody took my backpack Two more patients had come in but waiting area was still basically empty Barely time to text hubby before x-ray tech called me back, changed into gown, walked right in, two images, and DONE, go home lady I had told my friend, Go home, I might be here for hours or overnight, she was like, text me and I’ll come get you Texted her back, she had probably almost made it home, she was so sweet and cheerful about it, so we got another half-hour together and she drove me home along the beach route, sun was setting, air was so clear Laughing at myself for my paranoid overpacking, 4 changes of underwear, shampoo, charger cables, bottle of Soylent, instead having dinner at home and sleeping in our own bed Funny conversation with cheerful young lab tech, I said if I die, I’m haunting the nicest mansion I can find because I’ve never lived anywhere like that He said, you’re already thinking too small, you could go anywhere in the universe, said he was looking forward to it Said when you die, you’re not in pain anymore and you have nothing to worry about, it’s life that’s painful, no point being scared Young Stoic, young comedian, I told him he should have a podcast and he said he hears that all the time Thought I would share, there are so many exhausted, frightened, and mistreated doctors and nurses out there, these young ones seem to be enjoying themselves, eager to help, plenty of resources Don’t be afraid to call your doctor if you need to, go to urgent care if you need to, call ambulance if you need to, don’t talk yourself out of getting help or think you’re only being paranoid, in other words, don’t be like me I’m only a few hours away from getting some answers, going to sleep in my own bed tonight with my hubby by my side, my sweet friend only a mile down the road Love to all, be well I CAN SMELL AGAIN!
Suddenly realized it late last night, my mouth dropped open, started opening every bottle, tube, and jar in the bathroom and sniffing them Ran into the bedroom to tell my husband I CAN SMELL EVERYTHING! My lip balm smells waxy! Ran out to the living room Put my face in three different books, ahhhh If I could only smell one thing, that’s what I would pick, now it’s back Maybe I overdid it because my sinuses have been swollen and out of control all day, sneezing like a cartoon character Troubling new symptom, tingling in hands and feet, also a very weird head rush feeling in my forehead, uhh, what the heck was that?? Finally after three weeks, I feel like a 7/10, still symptomatic though, still under quarantine Maybe you saw the news but one of the Cuomo kids has the virus now, making me feel some kind of way, my guess is that it spread up the stairwell from dad to mom to kid, just took him longer to develop symptoms This thing is very sneaky Read something else indicating that people may still be infectious as long as 8 days after they stop having symptoms Research is still coming in, we won’t have a complete picture of this thing or how it behaves for a long time From my perspective, I don’t trust it at all, which means I don’t trust myself, werewolf woman I’m not leaving the house for at least two weeks after my last symptoms and when I do I’m wearing two different types of masks, I might actually carry a pole or wear a sticker There are murals and signs all over the world, marks on the pavement, SIX FEET I don’t even want to be within six feet of my own self right now, much less anyone else I think it should be at least 12 feet, probably 15 to be safe See those pictures of people with water cooler bottles over their heads, that actually seems like a fantastic idea, we would do a lot better with see-through masks, motorcycle helmets This would be a fine time to learn sign language if you have the inclination, I want to, seems handy for backpacking too I kinda think we are going to keep moving in the direction of more heavy-duty masks, makes me think of so many sci-fi films, cosplay, superheroes, Daft Punk, if we all had some kind of Dune suits we could safely get in airplanes or whatever again Or at least those who could afford it Today I took a risk, gave a short speech about having coronavirus, my intention for weeks has been to do some kind of AMA and get the word out On the bright side it was probably one of my more compelling speeches Not so great part, I was completely breathless, 7 minutes plus 2 minutes for questions, utterly wiped out afterward, it literally took me the next 2 hours to catch my breath One of the questions was, how do you know that you got it from the person you think you did? This is a perfectly legitimate question Many people have no idea where they got it or even which day they were exposed My case is unusual for a lot of reasons, one was that we had a false alarm on March 1 and had been self-isolating for two weeks, hubby had stayed home from work, we hadn’t even gone to the store The day I went out was the first time either of us had left the house in two weeks, I had already made the decision not to go anywhere else after what turned out to be Virus Brunch So through a weird coincidence it was the only place I went in a month The person I suspect was the only person we know who tested positive, only solid data we have is that she was a carrier and had active symptoms that day If I didn’t get it from her, it would have to have come from the groceries or the mail, unless someone in our apartment building coughed in the hallway and it blew under our front door We got a notice in the mail that “someone in our building” was sick (it was us, the board told us they would be sending it) so if anyone else here got sick enough to be diagnosed, we would know by now
There has been speculation that people quit shedding active virus particles at some point before symptoms go away Would I let someone lick off my ice cream cone right now, heck no People aren’t focusing on this nearly enough, the emotional sickness of knowing you have infected someone, I imagine it feels a little like being a hit and run driver I am mildly worried about being re-exposed, or encountering a different strain, I have read a bit about how viruses work I think it’s quite likely that if I got COVID a second time it would take me out Especially if it was in the next few months But I am far more concerned about giving it to someone else One time I made a batch of brownies and somehow I didn’t whisk the dry ingredients enough, a clump of baking powder somehow made it through intact, tasted probably like fresh cat litter I was so grateful I got that brownie instead of one of my friends That is one of the few consolations of having COVID-19, that it’s me instead of one of my parents, or my brothers, or at least 200 other people I could name who are special in my life If sharing my story makes you think twice about going out, or makes you more fussy about putting your mask on, or makes you measure out your standing distance... If sharing my story helps keep anyone safe and stops the spread, it would almost be worth it Especially now that I can smell books again Woke up this morning
That’s it, that’s the tweet Three weeks ago I was too sick to get out of bed, thought I might only have five days to live Now I’m still fighting symptoms, still surprised day after day by weird new feelings I’ve never had before, What Fresh Hell is This This is why COVID is so different from the flu, so many moments where you just freeze like WHAT just happened inside my face? Is that an actual beetle crawling up my sinus or does it just feel that way? Had night terrors again last night, woke up standing next to the bed like someone out of Paranormal Activity, woke my husband up, but then that’s probably just me, not COVID Finally getting my sense of smell back, guess what are the first two things I smelled Damp towel, garbage can Confirming my claim that most smells are not a value add Right now, after these three weeks, I finally feel like I just have a bad head cold/sinus infection Rather than someone who is still crawling off her deathbed Now, way back on March 15, the day I was exposed, we didn’t have all the information we have now At that time, four days before the stay at home order, not even the bars had been closed, that was later that day, we weren’t doing anything wrong We had all stopped shaking hands or hugging a week ago Our state had 334 cases, six deaths As of today, over 33,000 cases and over 1200 deaths, just here My hubby says “that’s a two orders of magnitude increase WHILE you were sick” Good point babe, thank you The US as a whole had 3500 cases and 62 people had died For a history student, that was a problem, for most people, eh, that’s like E. coli rules We’re starting to get the idea, but most of us still don’t understand the difference between linear progression and exponential growth, the penny on the chessboard problem It doubles every week, this should be bothering people more than it does! COVID-19 has already killed more Americans than the Korean War IN TWO MONTHS (Remember our first fatality was Feb. 29) For me there have been three problems while I have been sick
Understanding that my friends, my family, my neighbors might have to go through what I have, partly because people are out there claiming this is “just a cold” or “just the flu” Right now, if the statistics are right, not even 1% of Americans have been exposed yet It’s easy not to believe it’s real or that it will come for anyone you know Three months from now that probably won’t be true anymore One of the problems when we first became aware of coronavirus was the impression that it only killed elderly people, idea got out there that young people are immune, this is false but it cost us I’m 44, I have zero pre-existing conditions I had a “mild” case The first week I was so sick, all I could do was sit perfectly still, if I moved my head even half an inch I would get vertigo, too sick to read, too sick to watch tv It wasn’t until the second week that I thought I would die Only 1 in 5 people on ventilators were surviving, at least at the time there were no treatments No pills, no vaccinations, not enough tests, no convalescent plasma, no antibody tests Hopefully that will all change soon, but for at least the first wave, it was bad enough to be sick, even worse knowing there wasn’t much anyone could do to help A lot of people seem to think COVID-19 is nothing to worry about, I want to ask them, do you have three weeks of sick leave at work? Or do you think you could just push through? I don’t have kids, my husband did 100% of the cooking and cleaning, took care of me while working 60 hours a week, for three weeks, he barely got sick, not everyone has been so lucky Here is a list of all the symptoms I had, supposed mild case: Weakness, fatigue, malaise, tremors, dizziness, vertigo, headache, chills, the rigors (look it up), stomach pain, feeling faint, ears ringing, lost my voice, complete loss of sense of taste and smell for three weeks, memory problems, confusion, shortness of breath, heart palpitations Fun, right? Now add in the high fever, cough, sore throat, body ache, vomiting, diarrhea, or fainting and loss of consciousness for days on end that the moderate cases have had Did you know that some of the severe cases have had blood clots, organ failure, seizures, or strokes? A lot can happen to someone who doesn’t die All of this will start to sound more and more familiar as more people get sick, sorry to say I said sometime back that I don’t think people will really start taking the coronavirus seriously until the third wave But I thought there would actually be separate and distinct waves That we would genuinely think we had it beat, no new cases, before it cropped up again Now someone has gone and opened the beaches back up when cases are actively still climbing I don’t get this at all, if none of the businesses are open, there is no economic benefit, just people canceling social distancing and not even buying an ice cream cone We’re still in the first wave That “flatten the curve” graph made us think the first peak would be over quickly I was exposed before my state’s stay-at-home order, in fact before any state, it was the same day the CDC suggested no gatherings of more than 50 people, I was in a group of 7 I’ve watched this thing unfold mostly from my sickbed I’m under quarantine until I have been symptom-free for 72 hours, so far my record is about 12 I’m just one person, sure, but I could probably still infect someone, makes me feel disgusting and ashamed It’s very weird to think that by the time I feel well enough to get fully dressed and leave my apartment, I might be able to go out for dinner and a movie, that will be fine for me if I wind up with antibodies and immunity I do worry about everyone else, I worry a lot, all I can really do is share my personal experience and hope it is convincing, love to all |
AuthorI've been working with chronic disorganization, squalor, and hoarding for over 20 years. I'm also a marathon runner who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and thyroid disease 17 years ago. Archives
May 2021
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