Frantic Cleaning!

This person had maid service that came at least three times a week

I’ll tell you how it’s done. I’ll tell you what to do when you’ve invited people over and you’re afraid... AFRAID THEY’LL SEE YOUR HOUSE!

The House of the Black Lagoon
Frankenhouse
Revenge of the House
The Evil House

Et cetera. Just say it looks haunted and leave it at that.

All that’s happening is anxiety. Anxiety over anticipated conversations that haven’t actually happened (yet?). Anxiety over feared criticism and contempt. Anxiety about spending time with people you don’t really want to spend time with, people you don’t realize you’re allowed to uninvite. Maybe there’s also some shame, for whatever reason, and guilt that you haven’t lived up to some standard you think you’re supposed to care about more than you do. You don’t have to do this - you can just throw your hands in the air and say, “[***] it!” (Insert interjection of choice).

If the rigors of hosting a major holiday are too much stress for you, a simple way to get out of it is just to revolt. Answer the door in your jim-jams, hair unbrushed, and offer to order pizza. If everyone wants to come back next year, that’s good information. If they don’t, hey, freedom!

You’re doing it, though. You’re going to run around, feeling the delightful terror of the looming deadline, and you’re going to commit to the FRANTIC CLEANING!

Where do you start?

1. Shut all doors that don’t need to be open to guests. Do not spend any time whatsoever worrying about or trying to clean those rooms. There’s no time. You can use those rooms to hide piles of stuff if necessary.
2. Remove obvious trash. If you can’t do it by yourself for some reason, enlist help. Garbage, recycling, compost, empty cans and bottles, anything that’s already in a bag should go out.
3. Round Two of obvious trash: Wrappers, tissues, pizza boxes, broken stuff, anything on open surfaces in the main living area. Bag it up and run it out the door.
4. Round Three: Grab up the laundry. Dirty, clean? Coats, sweaters, blankets? If it fits in a washing machine, pick it up and pile it in one of the Rooms of Hiding. Most homes with a case of Laundry Carpet have it strewn everywhere, from the hallway to the bathroom, so it makes more sense to focus on the item than the room.
5. Round Four: Papers. If you can, get a box, a paper sack, or a laundry basket. Go around and put the papers in it. Hide the box.
6. Round Five: Toys. (?) Tell the kids that the one who cleans up the fastest gets a dollar (or a popsicle, or whatever). If you have to do it yourself, don’t pick up tiny toys by hand. Use a broom, or kneel on the floor and use the spines of two magazines to scrape them into a pile.
7. Decide where to focus on cleaning surfaces. The areas of concern will probably be the kitchen, living room, one bathroom, a dining room if you have one, and the area around the front door. If your kitchen has a door, you might be able to hide it from view.

What I’ve just described is the genesis of squalor and chronic disorganization. A traumatic experience, such as relocating to a new home, results in a frantic round of “scoop and stuff.” (Grab everything within view and stuff it into plastic grocery bags). Often there’s a physical rebound, like a headache or a cold. The aftermath of the frantic cleaning becomes the new background, invisible to the occupants. Nobody ever goes back and sorts out the papers or “catches up” on the laundry. Each traumatic event, injury, illness, visit, or whatever creates a new layer. It’s hard. It’s hard to force yourself to start digging out. Anyone would think so! The home environment becomes a visible manifestation of psychic pain. Just looking at it makes everything feel worse.

Wherever you live, it’s your home. If you were a wild beast, it would be your nest, your burrow, your warren, or your den. You’re entitled to feel comfortable and safe there. Your home isn’t a social display, not unless you want it to be. You don’t have to arrange it for status or prestige. You should, though, feel that sense of comfort and safety. If you don’t like the feeling of being in your home, do what needs to be done, and do it for yourself. Imagine the gift of looking around and liking everything you see.

Just... imagine it while you’re cleaning! Now, hop to it! Best of luck to you.

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