Vision to reality, just how is it done? Why do some people keep their New Year’s Resolutions while the majority don’t? The secret is cheating - or, rather, defining your goals in a way that can actually be won.
I always keep the majority of my resolutions, and usually I do them all. This is true even though I set mine over eleven categories. The main reason is that I see it as a game, and part of that game is constantly experimenting on the rules of play. The best cheat is to pick a resolution for something you already do. For instance, I resolve not to smoke a single cigarette in 2020. This is easy for me because I’ve never been a smoker, and why start now? When nurses ask me if I’ve ever smoked I refer to it as “a really expensive way to smell bad.” At least hauling trash has innate dignity and earns a paycheck. This is part of the trick - first, to regard the arena of the goal with humor. Second, frame the keeping of the resolution as something attractive, and the not-keeping of the goal as something low, gross, dumb, annoying, or whatever other quality makes you shy away from it. This can be a problem if you have low self-esteem and don’t see yourself as worthy of having nice things. Nice things like dignity, self-respect, a savings account, loyal friends? Building your sense of entitlement can help here. Start by giving yourself credit for all the positive things you already do. (Flossing, not being an axe murderer) For every goal or resolution, there is someone who will repeatedly try and fail at it, and someone else who does it every day without thinking. Keep that in mind. I ran a marathon - if that’s on your goal list - and I believe I will do it again. Millions of people have, and that’s part of what convinced me that I could if I wanted to. On the other hand, it took me three tries to pass the test to get my driver’s license at age 29. I share this because driving a car is something most people never think about, something they learned with eagerness and that they see as giving them freedom. What if your resolution gave you freedom, too? Learning to drive was far harder for me than training for a marathon was. Driving made me sob my heart out in public, but running never did. This is because I framed driving as a “must-do” and training for the marathon as a personal milestone. I felt that society was forcing me to do something I was bad at, that if I didn’t learn to drive before I turned thirty then people would think there was something wrong with me, that I struggled with driving because I was stupid. Meanwhile I understood that having my marathon medallion would be metal AF. If one of your resolutions does happen to revolve around something that “society is making you do,” check with some neutral third parties to make sure you’re right. If it’s true, that you really “have to” do whatever it is, then try to focus on the positive outcomes after you’ve reached the goal. Freedom from the obligation. Proving people wrong. Building character and firming up your resolve. Surviving difficult things gives you greater ability to survive difficult things. (I’m trying to think of things that a person would literally be “forced” to do by society, and all I can really come up with relates to incarceration, being on probation, wearing an ankle monitor, etc.) It can help to compare your resolution to actual prison, slavery, medical cataclysm such as being in a coma, or other severe situations. Most of us forget that our lives are really pretty boring, comfortable, and routine, and that our struggles fall well within the median for humans. There are two types of goal: push and pull. A pushing-away goal is trying to get away from something, like debt or being on medication. A pulling-toward goal is moving toward something, like buying a house or getting a GED. Most goals can be framed either way, and in that case I find that it’s helpful to do both, to think of the goal both ways. I resolve to pay off my debt/I resolve to increase my net worth. I resolve to quit smoking/I resolve to be considerate of my lungs. Or whatever. The main trick is to use the right terminology to get a win for your resolution. That means taking the time to understand just what it is that you’re trying to do. The reason you aren’t living your dream already is probably that you don’t know how. (Either you don’t know how or you never wanted to before; those are the options). If you WANT TO and you KNOW HOW then you can and will quite literally do anything at all. A “resolution” is a statement of intent. A “goal” is a specific, time-bound result of action. Neither of these is a “plan” or a “project” or a “mission” or a “quest” or an “experiment” and neither of them may have anything to do with habit formation. I often use “resolution” as a broad category descriptor, while getting more specific during my yearly planning. Personally I find resolutions far, far more effective than goals. Most people, myself certainly included, will commit to a specific goal that they aren’t able to do, and/or a goal that does not lead to their intended results. For instance, the year I ran my marathon, I gained 8 lbs. If my intent was to “lose weight” that year, then I would have technically failed even though I put in a huge amount of effort and achieved a major milestone. How will you know when or if you have kept your resolution? That’s the real trick. Most people think they are making a resolution when what they said really isn’t a resolution at all, and that’s why they quit. For instance, “lose weight” is a shambles of a resolution. What, forever? Until you get to zero? How on earth do you keep a resolution that is phrased that way? Does it count if you lose half a pound and then gain it back? What on earth does the finish line look like? Maybe we just start saying “I resolve to figure out what’s involved in...” - whatever it is. Learn more about it, that’s all, and then see if we’re still interested. What we’re really asking ourselves to do is to change, to figure out how to make our lives easier, better, or more interesting. Just because we don’t know how to do it yet doesn’t make it impossible. Just because we’ve tried and failed many times doesn’t mean we’re incapable. We have the power to choose great visions for ourselves, and if that isn’t worth trying, then what is? This is the first time I have posted decade-level goals and resolutions on my blog, so I put extra work into it. Over the past few years, I’ve realized that the projects that I find the most engrossing and challenging are multi-year projects. The day I started each of these, I had no idea that I’d still be grinding away three years later. One of the benefits of midlife is that we have the patience, attention span, experience, and (frankly) the resources to attain long-term goals. Might as well harness that, right?
Over the past month, I’ve asked my elders how they felt at the start of each decade, particularly how they felt about technological innovations and major cultural changes. SO INTERESTING! My parents were barely old enough to be aware of current events in 1960, but they certainly noticed the Moon landing at the end of that decade. Talking about decade-level achievements with people who are satisfied in their careers and proud of their kids and grandkids can be really inspiring. That’s my hope, that when we are in our sixties and older my hubby and I will look back and feel like we’ve participated in life, in our culture, in our family legacy. We want to feel like we’ve enjoyed, learned, and experienced as much as we can. That’s what all this goal-setting is about. I already have so many regrets: that I never interviewed my grandparents about their lives when they were still here to ask. That I missed so much of the childhoods of my niece and nephews. That I missed graduations and weddings when I felt too poor to make the trip. What I regret most is not showing up, not connecting, not engaging and not reaching out. I could have called, I could have written, but I put it off and put it off without realizing how quickly time was passing. At the same time, I’ve never wanted an ordinary life. If the only thing I ever did was to make the calls, come to the parties, and send the letters, well, heck. That’s a fine life but not big enough for me. I want to see the world and make at least one project that is bigger than me, something that outlasts my tenure on this blasted rock we call Earth. In ten years I’ll be 55. If I’m ever going to do anything at all then I’d better get going. What I’m posting here are yearly goals and resolutions, and also ten-year goals. Some of these were really tricky because I’ve never thought of them in that context before. It definitely puts some perspective on habits when you think, Will I still be annoying myself in just this same way ten years from now? (*facepalm*) Personal: This category is what I think most people would refer to as their “resolution.” For me it’s my major area of focus. In past years it’s been running, public speaking, or martial arts. I try to choose something where I feel intense resistance and instinctive dislike. That’s where the greatest transformation is possible! In 2020 this is going to be body transformation. Right now I feel like an angry puddle of goo. I had a very rough 2019 and there is no way I can tolerate the idea of being the same or worse ten years from now. I’m forty-four and my body belongs to me, not to society’s female-vessel regulations. I’m going to lose weight, I’m going to talk about it at great length on a regular basis, I’m going to do it my way, I’m going to get covered in mud and punch things, and that’s just how it’s going to be. I can’t force myself to pretend to pander to “body positivity” “I’m just fluffy” clouds and rainbows, riding in on a panda and licking an ice cream cone. I gotta wake up in this crusty old carcass every day and I intend to fully inhabit it like a warrior queen with the flaming sword of truth. Career: My career goal for 2020 is to learn how to do webinars. I am not a digital native and I have to push hard to understand technology that is new to me. Eventually, whatever I learn becomes something that I do on a daily basis, without thinking about it, like syncing Bluetooth or downloading new apps, but that first onboarding process is something that I always find deeply confusing and frustrating. For 2030, I want to be a published author, of course! Physical: My physical goal for 2020 is to get my weight back to 125. I was able to maintain this for about five years, until I made the benighted decision to “put on ten pounds of muscle” and started eating like an NFL linebacker. (For reference, I am 5’4” and small-framed). While I was training for my marathon lo these many moons ago, I became enchanted with the idea of the ultramarathon. I started telling everyone my goal was “50 for 50,” a fifty-mile ultramarathon for my fiftieth birthday. Suddenly that goal is only five years off and I either need to abandon it or start training. I hate abdicating, this is my one and only lifetime (or if not, it’s a moot point), and I want to see Silver Fox Future Self crossing that finish line. Home: We’ve decided to start formally saving for a house, really a far-fetched, Moonshot sort of a goal where we live, but we like it here. That’s the 2030 goal. For 2020, I’m working on automating more household chores as part of my book project. Couples: Our couples goal is to build an app together. Fortunately the software coding part (the hard work) is my husband’s bailiwick; he’s learning Python and this project is as good as any. Over the next decade, we have a shared goal to do more camping, hiking, backpacking, and bicycling adventures together. We only really see each other on weekends anymore and we like the idea of planning expeditions and picnics when the weather is fine. Stop goal: My “stop goal” for 2020 is to stop procrastinating about text messages and voicemail. Honestly there are few things I despise more than listening to voicemail, but letting them sit there with blinking notifications isn’t helping. Text messages can be a serious problem for anyone who needs to focus and do long stretches of deep work - you broke my concentration to send a meme to a group thread?? But again, it seems that society has moved to this rather than email. My plan is to blast through the day’s detritus during my workout. My ten-year goal is to stop procrastinating in general. I’m one of the 20% who fights this constantly. I think the solution is to reframe anything that feels aversive and try to think of better messages to send myself. Like instead of “I’d rather be scrubbing a toilet than doing this” I can think, “This will probably take less time than scrubbing a toilet.” Lifestyle upgrades: Our ten-year lifestyle upgrade goal is to have a garden again. For 2020, it’s a bummer to think about but my big lifestyle upgrade will probably be to have gum surgery. Over the past year I have had increasing reason to take my dentist’s advice seriously and I really want Future Me to think I had good judgment. Young people take note: you never think of your teeth as a part of your lifestyle until your first root canal. Do the Obvious: The most obvious thing to do in my life right now is to plan around constant travel. At least during the active career portion of our shared life, my hubby and I have had to be constantly poised to pack a suitcase. He sometimes calls me to say that he’s flying out that very night; I’ve even had to head out to his building and bring him his passport. This is exciting and fascinating for us, but it also requires mental agility. This will most likely still be true in 2030, so there ya go. No normal weeks. Ultralearning: This is the first time I’m setting up an ultralearning project. I have total confidence in my ability to become absorbed in an educational mission; really the problem is more that I don’t know when to quit! In past years I feel like I’ve neglected the perpetual-student part of myself, and particularly my special gift of language acquisition. A quarter-century ago my Japanese teacher pulled me aside and said I had talent and that I should go forward in languages. I nodded (like, duh, totally), waited several years to go to college, dithered around in Greek and Latin, and then became a suburban housewife. That part of me only awakens when we see an action film with supervillain subtitles, and I can pick out the occasional word in Russian, German, or Japanese. SO, uh... *drumroll* in 2020, I’m going to do an ultralearning project and study Dutch. DUTCH! Why the heck not. *tada* For 2030 I plan to learn to write screenplays. Quest: In my terminology, a quest is a grand adventure that I don’t necessarily know how to do. Part of the quest is figuring out the guidelines. My quest for 2020-2025 is to train for that “50 for 50” ultramarathon. This means I need to start running again. I also need to figure out how to add mileage without borking my ankle like last time, or causing myself any other overuse injuries. My decade quest is to visit Antarctica. Wish: My wish for 2020 is to get a publishing deal. Our wish for the next decade is to become millionaires! 2020 Personal: Body transformation Career: Learn how to do webinars Physical: Weight at 125 lbs. Home: Automation project Couples: Build an app together Stop goal: Stop procrastinating on text messages and voicemail Lifestyle upgrades: Probably gum surgery Do the Obvious: Plan around constant travel Ultralearning: Dutch language Quest: 50 for 50 ultramarathon! (2025) Wish: Publishing deal! 2030 - Ten-Year Goals and Resolutions Personal: Silver Fox project Career: Published author Physical: 50 for 50 ultramarathon! Home: Buy a house to live in Couples: Camping, hiking, backpacking, and bicycling together Stop goal: Stop procrastinating in general Lifestyle upgrades: A garden Do the Obvious: Plan around constant travel Ultralearning: Write screenplays Quest: Visit Antarctica Wish: Millionaires! Choose a resolution you can finish in one day, and you automatically get the same bragging rights as the people who choose something more complicated. If you never make resolutions because you “know” you’ll let yourself down, change the rules! You are invited to look over this list of one-day resolutions. Pick one if you think it could make your life better, easier, more fun, or more interesting.
Apply for a passport. If you already have a passport, get it out and check the expiration date. Donate blood. Change all your passwords and find out where you can use dual authentication. Go around and set all your clocks, including the microwave and the dashboard in your vehicle. Throw out everything in your kitchen that is past its expiration date. Throw out any expired medications. Throw out worn-out socks and underwear. Cash in your change jar. Make an appointment to get your teeth cleaned if it’s been more than 6 months. Make sure you’ve had a tetanus shot booster within the last 10 years. Pull out your driver’s license and check to see when it expires. Is it this year? Oh snap. Give back anything you borrowed from someone else. If you have overdue library books, return them. A lot of libraries no longer charge overdue fines! If you quit reading a book because you lost interest, let it go. Give it away or trade it in. Match up the lids with all your pots, pans, travel mugs, and plastic containers. Make a “dump run” and get rid of the broken junk from your garage, yard, or anywhere else it’s piled up. If you have a mending pile, look it over right now and decide to fix it or throw it away. Increase your retirement contribution 1%. Get a free copy of your credit report and check it for errors. Fill out a living will and have it witnessed. Sign up for a first aid/CPR certification class. Set a timer for one hour and spend it cleaning or filing. Go through your email inbox and unsubscribe to as much as possible. Delete some apps. Reconsider your social media engagement. Call an old friend and say hello. Apologize to someone. If you have your own URLs, look them over and decide whether you still want them all. Look through your queue of movies and TV episodes and delete anything that no longer interests you. Look at your keys. Are there any you don’t need any more that you can get rid of? Mystery keys you don’t even recognize? Think of any task you’ve been procrastinating for longer than a year. Make the decision to do it this month or let it go. Read The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield. Make a vow not to make negative comments about other people’s resolutions. |
AuthorI've been working with chronic disorganization, squalor, and hoarding for over 20 years. I'm also a marathon runner who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and thyroid disease 17 years ago. This website uses marketing and tracking technologies. Opting out of this will opt you out of all cookies, except for those needed to run the website. Note that some products may not work as well without tracking cookies. Opt Out of CookiesArchives
January 2022
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