Hating cooking is a vital part of one’s identity. It is important always to make sure one broadcasts one’s hates, irritations, and pet peeves. It’s a quick way to bond with others and surround oneself with others who hate the same things. This is likely to have more immediate results, in the form of increased social connections, than learning to cook, which would be yucky, boring, and messy. It is known.
Hate to cook. This is the best way to limit the quality of one’s meals. Relying completely on others to prepare meals is a way to learn the boundaries of disappointment and unsustainably high expectations. Nobody else will ever be able to cook perfectly to one’s particular tastes – except oneself, and that ain’t happening – so each meal is a fresh chance to confront reality and develop stoicism. Perhaps it may also provide an opportunity to show one’s natural analytical faculties or leadership skills by critiquing others’ cooking until they get it right. They should appreciate this service and see it as a favor.
Ready to get started? The first step to hating cooking is to always wait until hungry before deciding to cook something. Then wait at least another 20 minutes, or better, two hours. This will only work in the absence of a meal plan or sensibly stocked kitchen. The only convenience foods should be unhealthy light snacks. There should not be any convenience foods that look like proper meals, whether canned soup or a frozen dinner. Absolutely no leftovers are allowed; heating up leftovers is much too close to cooking for our purposes. Meal planning is imbecilic. What kind of unimaginative cretin would think someone might want to eat meals at the same time intervals, each and every day? How could someone possibly predict when hunger is going to strike?
After waiting to be hungry before preparing food, the next step is to treat the kitchen with the contempt it deserves. Anyone can heat a can of soup in the absence of a kitchen, whether with a backpacker’s stove, solar oven, hot plate, or microwave. Hating to cook in a well-equipped kitchen is not for amateurs. Making a modern kitchen impossible to cook in takes at least intermediate abilities. With faith and focus, it can be done. Pile it with dirty dishes. A real pro will be able to fill the kitchen with ALL THE DISHES. This is hard for households that don’t cook, but it is ultimately manageable. Keep the countertops and stovetop sticky. If they are still usable despite dirty dishes and grime, it is a simple matter to blockade the counters with canisters, appliances, cookbooks, decorations, papers, or, if necessary, objects from other rooms. Make sure the microwave is liberally coated with burnt-on, congealed cheese. If there is dish soap, a clean sponge, and a pair of dish gloves available in the kitchen, someone is sabotaging this effort. The kitchen is usually the main arena for household power struggles; trust no one. If there is a dishwasher, it should always have at least one clean dish in it, and no signage, so it can’t be loaded with dishes as they are used. Hating to put away clean dishes is a natural sign that one may have been born to hate cooking.
A single person who lives alone will almost certainly hate to cook. It’s challenging to buy ingredients in small enough portions that they don’t spoil. There is nobody with whom to trade cooking or cleaning. There is nobody to impress with the intensity of one’s hatred for cooking. There is nobody to blame or criticize. If one were foolishly to start cooking meals that one actually liked, for oneself, it would set the bar unsustainably high if one ever chose to share a meal with someone else. Fortunately, this circumstance is unlikely.
Hating to cook for others is the main subject of our master class. Cooking for one’s mate has the dangerous aura of quid pro quo. It’s as though one is currying favor and expecting reciprocation. How much more honest to start out with low expectations and keep them there. Otherwise, one’s mate may take an interest and start cooking, too, and that just opens doors to changing the power dynamics around cleaning, finances, and other areas that may currently be stuck in a comfortable détente. Laissez faire. As long as nobody spends too much time in the kitchen, all is not lost.
Cooking for children or roommates? Pfft. One doesn’t even need to hate cooking to know that these are terrible ideas, right from the get-go. Next, some wag in the back row is going to suggest cooking for guests, holding dinner parties or potlucks, or hosting a holiday gathering. As though this could serve as some sort of interesting hobby or love offering! Moving right along.
If one is determined to hate cooking, one must never look at new recipes or food photography, browse cookbooks, or watch cooking shows. The inevitable result of this is that one will meet people who… *cough*… love cooking. The moment one meets a passionate foodie who loves cooking, one is in mortal danger. Only minutes will elapse before recipes are exchanged. After that, the floodgates are opened. It is harder to avoid recipes on the Internet than it is to avoid pornography; they are closely related, after all, and some poor victims even refer to food porn. Both are available by phone, computer, book, magazine, or at specialized bookstores. Use filters and stay strong.
Summing up, it is easy to hate cooking, as long as one perseveres. Keep the kitchen cluttered and greasy. Don’t have a meal schedule, meal plan, or grocery list. Don’t go to the store on a predictable basis. Don’t try new things, whether new products, new recipes, new cookbooks, or new restaurants. By all means, stay away from books or articles about physiology, nutrition, or dietetics. Restrict the palate. Have the highest of expectations for others to cook perfect meals that are delicious and perfectly nutritionally balanced, while always meeting the most exacting individual standards. Refuse half-measures or transitional techniques such as adding fresh produce to packaged meals. INSTANT PERFECTION OR NOTHING!
Graduates of the Hate to Cook course may wish to continue their education. The next class in this series is called Stay Sedentary and Develop Chronic Health Problems. Maintaining a low energy level, chronic pain, fatigue, poor posture, erratic sleep habits, dehydration, headaches, susceptibility to swings in mood and blood sugar, mysterious health conditions, and reliance on pharmaceuticals is highly complex. Prerequisites must be met before attempting to enroll in this course. Hating to cook is vital for success in this course. Don’t let a nutrition upgrade happen to you or anyone in your family!
I've been working with chronic disorganization, squalor, and hoarding for over 20 years. I'm also a marathon runner who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and thyroid disease 17 years ago.